Distractions are Good

The last week has been full of Israel and my furious following of Operation Pillar of Defense, trying to put my mind around what was happening, find out news from friends and family caught in the middle of it and then after the cease fire came to get absolutely freaking irritated into some very interesting discussions with everyone calling a cease fire a bad thing.

It's been hard to think of other things.  

Still, as much as I wanted to focus all my time and energy on Israel and offer what little support I could to friends and family, I have a life in the Netherlands and I couldn't just make it stop, no matter how much I wanted to.  It seems lame to type that when so many people that I hold near and dear are living in the middle of fear and chaos but it is the reality of the situation.

I was very lucky last weekend to be visited by a very close friend.  We go back over thirty years and it was great to see her.  I know it's cliche but we really do have one of those relationships where no matter how much time passes, when we do see one another, not a second has passed.  We had long lunches and dinners and talked into the wee hours.  She's been there and supported me through some of the hardest periods and she has always been there.  It's been 6 years since we last saw each other, so it seemed rather fitting that at a time when I was distracted, nervous and on edge, her company would send her on a business trip to the Netherlands to bring a dose of calm and familiarity at a time when I really needed it.

Timing is a funny thing.

Last Sunday Leo and I had tickets to take Maya to her very first classical music concert.  Maya has become pretty interested in classical music.  As someone who is somewhat sensitive to noise, I had never really thought of introducing her to it, since so much of it is what my dad referred to as schmaltzy.  But Leo started putting it on in the car for Maya, as a break from the endless kids' songs she would force him to listen to.  From there she downloaded apps on the iPad where she can listen, choose pieces and see a symphony not only of sound but of light and color and of course she loves learning about the instruments.

So, when Peter and the Wolf was on the program of the Amsterdam Orchestra I thought this was a perfect opportunity to take her to a concert.  Since it was a childrens' concert I knew it wouldn't be too long so we ordered tickets.

We prepared her well for it, since the summer we have listed to Peter and the Wolf in the car, oh say 14,000 times and I've probably read her the story half that many times (yeah, I'm a slacker, I know).  I showed her pictures of Amsterdam's famous Concertgebouw (literally concert building, but it's the name of the place too, Dutchies are Calvinist's to the bitter end calling a building by what it is instead of naming it for a benefactor or famous world leader).  I explained to her how we would see people playing instruments, that it might be a little bit loud and what was going to happen.

We went and first had a drink before the concert and Maya just loved the chandeliers, the red velvet banquettes and how beautiful it all was.  She told me, mommy, it is more beautiful in here than a movie theater.   She loved that she could have a chocolate milk in such a fancy place.

The concert was really amazing.  I saw Peter and the Wolf several times when I was a kid.  It's always a wonderful show, but to be honest, I can remember being scared the first time I saw it.  The wolf was so ominous so I was a little worried about Maya, even though she is familiar with the story, the combination of being in a strange place, with loud live music and the Wolf I thought might scare her.

When we walked in to find out seats, I immediately noticed next to the music stands for the orchestra lots of bamboo drums and funny looking string instruments.  At first I thought, well maybe they have another show after this one and they just are leaving everything there, I mean it's a kids' concert, no need to pull out all the stops, right?

When the show started the narrarator came on stage and talked a little bit with the audience about the story. He was Peter and he lived on the edge of the forest but what he really wanted to do was go to Africa and see the African animals.  Enter the musicians and they played a little bit of amazing music and sang some songs to get the kids warmed up.

It was really great how they integrated this truly African music with a Western classic.  It gave the show a whole new edge and it really helped Maya to be engaged in it and not be afraid of the wolf.  It was truly great. Maya's eyes sparkled the entire show and every few minutes she'd loop her arm into mine and whisper how beautiful it all was.

Maya's wonder - the perfect antidote.

Posting over at The Times of Israel

Hey there, I am posting today over at The Times of Israel.  Come check it out here.

Check me out on The Times of Israel

Hey there, I am blogging over at The Times of Israel today for the very first time.  Head on over there and check it out!

Courtesy of Elijah

As part of the Passover Seder, after dinner there is the part where you welcome the Prophet Elijah.  It is said that the appearance of Elijah will signal the start of the Messianic age.  So, during Seder you set an extra wine glass for Elijah and after the meal  you invite him in by opening your door so he can enter and saying a prayer, and if you are a Passover Purist you sing the Hebrew Song Eliyahu Hanavi.

We are not purists.  Plus I fear my families' collective singing voices are so bad that if Elijah heard us singing while standing in our open doorway, he'd head for the hills.  But we set the extra wine glass for him anyway.

You never know.

This past Thursday Maya also had her Easter party at school.  The parents are invited to join their kids during the party for a special lunch and then some kind of special activity.  Either Leo or I always attend these parties both because it is fun for Maya but it also gives us more frequent contact with her teachers.  One of the disadvantages of Maya going on a bus to school is that we don't see her teachers every day, so these parties give us something outside of the official meetings to check and see how our girl is doing.

I have always been pleased that during Maya's whole social career, from daycare to her current school, other kids do seem to like her.  She always has one or two kids who are just crazy about her.  I hope that means that she is a likable sort of kid.  She does struggle socially even still, but slowly but surely she is gaining a smidgen of ground here and there.

At this year's party, there were a lot of new kids in Maya's class.  In Maya's school the kids stay about 1.5-2 years in each grade and they don't move forward classically at the end of the school year, but they  move forward when they are ready since each kid works at their own level they hit their milestones differently.  In February, 3 new kids joined Maya's grade 2 from grade 1 and 2 kids moved forward to grade 3.

So when I walked into the party, I was greeted by a few new faces.  One boy, M, a cute little red headed boy, ran right up to me and told me he was Maya's good friend and asked who I was, when I told him I was Maya's mom, he then said, Maya's mom, that means you speak English (as Maya proudly boasts at school that she speaks English with her mom and knows 2 languages).  He was such a cutie pie.  I took my seat near Maya's desk for the party.  A few minutes later I got a big hug from L, that is probably Maya's closest friend at school, a cute little boy that Maya plays with a lot.  He doesn't talk a lot but he is a very sweet, good natured boy and he Maya spend hours chasing each other on the playground with wild abandon.  Later in the day, we ran into H, a little girl who has recently moved to grade 3.  She ran up to me and threw her arms around me.  I asked her if she liked it in her new class and she said she did, but that she misses Maya a lot.

I must admit, it makes me feel very good to know that even though she still might not get the socializing thing right all the time, my girl has friends at school.

We've not done any outside of school socializing with any of the kids as of yet.  Each kid at Maya's school has their own particular set of issues and Dutch people are strange about playdates anyway.  Weekends are restricted mostly to family and close friends of the parents because most children go to school in their own neighborhood which means classmates and friends are a very short distance away on foot or bikes.  Plus, unlike the US, it is perfectly safe for your children to play outside all day so there isn't as much need for parents to become cruise directors in order to ensure that your kid has a social life.

So there's no need for play dates.

Unless you are raising a child on the autistic spectrum who doesn't have many friends and occasions to socialize.

Then you are screwed.

A few months ago at one of the parents' nights a few parents were lamenting the fact that their children do not have friends outside of school and someone suggested passing around a telephone/email list of all the parents so that contacts could be made.  For years I have been incredulous that the schools don't do this anyway, but things work very differently here than in the US in this respect.  The Dutch are big on their privacy.  So at school the only way they would put together the list is if all parents agreed to it, and since the Dutch apparently don't find the need for this sort of thing, it never happened.

At the parents' night I had the opportunity to meet L's mom.  She in particular was the one that suggested the list and talked about how L has never had a play date.  After the meeting I introduced myself to her and gave her my business card and told her that if she ever wanted to organize a play date between L and Maya to contact me.

That was in November.

And if you thought it was challenging to deal with a kid with special needs, organizing a play date seems very daunting.  I've been reluctant to pursue it, largely because I have virtually no contact with the other parents at school since apparently no one wanted to exchange contact details on a telephone list and also I don't have any real information about what other kids' special needs situations are.  Can they even handle a play date, will it be too much for them, too much for me?

And the few play dates we had haven't really led to anything.  Case in point, at Maya's former school she was very good friends with a little boy, D.  D and Maya really loved each other and they, to the best of their limited abilities, were very good friends.  They needed a lot of supervision but they also had a lot of good fun with each other.  D's parents lived just a couple blocks over from us so it was the perfect situation to build a friendship, or so I thought.  Once when there was a bus strike we had to shuttle the kids back and forth to school and Leo met D's parents at school and we arranged to car pool them.  A couple of times I mentioned getting the kids together after school and I got a positive response so we organized a play date on a Sunday morning.

I don't know what happened, maybe D didn't have a good time but considering how those two kids laughed their heads off together and that he cried when it was time to go, I find that hard to swallow.  D's mom was initially pretty nervous about leaving him with us, she asked me if she could stay for a while to make sure he was okay and finally she got comfortable with the idea of leaving, she asked me about 100 times if I was sure I could handle it.  She didn't give me a lot of details, so I had no idea whether I could handle it or not, but I just kept telling her yes, not to worry.   D's mom did tell me that he was prone to giant meltdowns and that he was on medication.  I'd never seen him be anything but sweet but I trusted that D's mom was probably afraid of leaving me to deal with one of his meltdowns.  Finally I told her the decision to leave was hers.  I felt confident about the situation and if something happened I would certainly call her immediately but that ultimately the decision was up to her.  Finally she did decide to leave.

Everything went just fine, no issues at all.  The kids had a great time and although they did need constant supervision, everything went great.  After 2 hours D's mom picked him up and promised the next play date would be at their house.

An hour or so after they left I noticed that D left his jacket behind.  I texted his mom about it and heard nothing.  A week later a second text sent by me offering to drop the jacket off at their house.  A week after that I got a short text response telling me not to worry about it, they would stop by and pick it up.  I texted her to remind her a week or two later and nothing.  Never got another call, never got that invitation.


They apparently left our house and crossed the border.  Never to be heard from again.


After this I started getting a little gun shy about playdates from school.  Maya is a pretty easy kid but a lot of the kids she is close to at school seem to have bigger issues than she does, although I have no real knowledge of their situations.
I just decided to leave well enough alone.

And then (cue music)--

Last night after the Seder finished, after we opened our door and our hearts to Elijah the most incredible thing happened.  I went upstairs to bed and checked my blackberry and saw I had an email.  Thinking it must be an announcement of another sale at the Gap or a news subscription, I was shocked to see an email from L's mom asking to organize a playdate at her house for Maya and L.

So maybe Elijah didn't enter our house last night but perhaps he sent something even better.

A friend for Maya.

This just in from the rock and the hardplace

There is no right choice, but freeing Gilad is the rightest choice.

Like much of the world (and many better writers) I am throwing my two cents in on the Gilad Shalit Prisoner swap.  I certainly have nothing unique to add but as Gilad is about to spend his last night as a hostage (hopefully) I can't resist weighing in on the events of the last week.

Since last week's announcement that Shalit would be released in return for the release of more than a thousand Palestinian prisoners, many of whom are terrorists who caused the death of scores of Israelis, Israel and the Jewish world have been swinging from a pendulum, which slowly but rhythmically goes from joy,  relief and elation to anger, fear and despair.

And rightly so.

This flurry of fear has culminated in a lawsuit filed by the families of terror victims opposed to and asking the High Court of Israel to stop the swap.   The media is working overtime publishing Op-Ed after Op-Ed about the swap, hailing both the release of a captive soldier, the tireless effort of this soldiers' family and supporters to keep the plight of Shalit in the minds and hearts of the Israeli government. But the inevitable questions and fear that this deal are raising from within Israel are difficult to put it mildly, releasing these terrorists will mean certain bloodshed for Israel in the form of more terror attacks.  What's more, this formula all but assures Hamas and other terrorists that the kidnapping of Israeli soldiers is a formula that will work.  Many people are saying that it is certain that another soldier will be kidnapped.

It's all tough stuff, there is no right answer.  A soldier's return at the cost of murderers going free?  The life of one man balanced at the potential cost of thousands of lives to be lost?  At the cost to many Israelis whose loved ones' murderers are about to go free?  Israel negotiating with Hamas?

Tomorrow should be a joyous day for Israel and yet like everything in it's 63 year existence, joy is never just joy.  Joy is always tinged with bitterness, this time in the form of fear. And I don't mean those ridiculous Department-of-Homeland-Security yellow warnings which blast themselves over the right or left corner of the tv, but real threats.  I mean let's face it, some very dangerous people are being let go and those being expelled are being taken in by the likes of Syria?  I doubt those people are going to go and become Pampered Chef salespeople.

If one of those people killed at Sbarro or on Haifa's Bus 37 were my son, daughter, wife, husband, friend, how joyful would tomorrow be knowing that your loved one's killer is being let go and that justice, as much as anything else is currency?

Hard choices.  That is always what Israel has to make.

After reading article after article, analysis after analysis and prediction after prediction over this past weekend, I can say that like everything else in Israel, this is hard, everyone has a justifiable argument and that there is no easy answer.  There is no good answer.   I am glad I am not among the people that had to make this awful choice.

Israel is paying a very heavy price for freeing Gilad and is probably risking the lives of its citizens by doing it.  Still, despite this I am proud of Israel for choosing the life of one over fear.  We all know that Netanyahu and everyone connected with this had all kinds of ulterior motives-- in games of power, nothing, absolutely nothing is altruistic.  As much as I absolutely sympathize with the families who are fighting for their loved ones too and for justice, there are just no absolutes here.  Each choice has shitty consequences and a potential deadly aftermath.

Perhaps it is because I am American and feel very strongly that the American Dream is dying, that the power elite have capitalized on the poor and working class' fear and that fear is what is very much flowing from sea-to-shining-sea these days.  Israel choosing that Gilad's life is worth making this shitty deal gives me hope.   I am so thankful that Israel is not a nation which will let fear drive the car, that even though this deal erodes justice, that sometimes the life and safety of one person are more important.

I am proud that Israel is still a country that values the one and that they are a country that will make a crazy and potentially dangerous deal like this to save one soldier.

Social Life State of the Union

The other day I was catching up with reading all my regular blogs and I came across a post from Zendette that I haven't been able to get out of my head, check it out here.  The article was a poignant account about how much her life has changed since she had kids.  She for instance talks about that she and her husband never knew any of their neighbors until she had kids and how much their social life has changed since becoming parents.  She lives in Israel, a country where you almost literally don't exist until you have kids.  Having lived in Israel myself for 5+ years the whole thing gave me a chuckle.  I commented, as I frequently do, saying that in the Netherlands the situation is vastly different.  Israel is an absolutely fantastic society to raise children in.  There is a freedom for children in Israel like none I have ever experienced anywhere else.  Why that is would make an interesting post but that is not what I want to talk about today.  This blog post has made me think a lot about friendships and socializing in the social media age (is it an age?) and of course the state of my own social life.

When I was younger, in my twenties and thirties, my social life was the center of my universe.  I have always had a wide group of friends in different circles and my life was always ruled by what was going on tonight. Like many other people my friends were like family to me and my life revolved around whatever party or happening was going on. I went out most nights of the week Of course being in my twenties, bars were often my destination but I also went out a lot to movies, restaurants, and as a season ticket holder of the symphony, public theater and Broadway series in Pittsburgh I had a rich cultural life as well.  In my twenties I was still in university so there were always things going on, so my social calendar was pretty full.

When I turned 30 I moved to Israel and started a new adventure in my life.  The immigrant experience can be difficult and lonely in a lot of things, having to navigate a new country, often a new language and having to try to find your way in a "system" which is unfamiliar can be extremely hard on one's psyche.  Even figuring out things like how to pay your electric bills, banking and the health care system can be challenging and frustrating and you often measure your immigrant life against your former life where because you were familiar with everything "at home" often made home seem so easy and being abroad so difficult.  Forming bonds with people going through the same experience can form bonds which are very strong.  I think it is in some way similar to the bond people serving together in the military must feel.  You are far away from everything and everyone familiar going through a shared experience.  In many ways that situation forms unbreakable bonds for those who go through it together and even after returning to your old life, and even if you never see each other again, the people you go through those life changing experiences with become part of your DNA in a way that cannot be duplicated in other situations.  I made some amazing friends during my time in Israel, people who touched my life and changed me in ways I could have never imagined.  I am forever grateful to those people (they know who they are).  With that adventure came a whole host of new friendships, some of the closest of my life and my social life in Israel was pretty full, although most of my friends were immigrants like me, so there was kind of a revolving door aspect to it as people were always deciding to go back home too.  After 3 or 4 years of this, I started to get dizzy on the merry-go-round.  It got so exhausting forming tight bonds with people and bringing them into your life, feeling so close and then so sad when they decided to go back home.  After a while for me it became exhausting to form close friendships and build my life in Israel around them, only knowing that in a year's time you have to start all over again.  After a few years of this I decided to stop it and scaled back forming close bonds with immigrants.  I had a few Israeli friends and they were always wonderful but these bonds were harder to form, sharing less in common.  After about 3 years in Israel I had a few close Israeli friends but I scaled back my socializing considerably preferring not to be on an endless cycle of meeting, bonding and losing people which was so prevalent in the English speaking community in Israel.  Therefore my life became a lot quieter, although to be honest I didn't mind.  I loved Tel Aviv, I had a great job and a few good friends.

Leo and I got married soon after I arrived in the Netherlands.  His friends and family were very kind to me but it was definitely harder to form attachments here.  The Dutch, as I have mentioned in other posts are a polite and kind people, but they hold you at arm's length and it is difficult (at least I found it difficult) to make friends. I think part of the issue was also that I had Leo, we were married and in love and trying to start a family, so I also didn't look that much for friendships and I was probably less willing to invest in those relationships since things were so wonderful for Leo and I.  Our life was perfect as it was. I found a job easily and I became pregnant about 8 months after we got married.  My pregnancy was difficult, I was in and out of the hospital for the first half and then Maya came along and I was your typical euphoric, sleep deprived and confused young mother.  My baby became my life and I traveled from milestone to milestone a flurry of over analysing how much she ate, slept, peed, pooped, is she hot? is she cold? is that a rash? we need diapers, OMG is she teething, should we call the doctor, etc., etc. and I am quite sure that I talked about those things openly with people as well -- talk about your turn off.  Then I moved into the world of trying to combine (nearly) full time work with motherhood.  Forming friendships was the last thing on my mind, I didn't have the time to invest in them.  For the first two years of Maya's life I was in a quest for nothing other than sleep.

I do think that life evolves in a natural cycle that when you are creating and raising your family and particularly when you are slightly older doing it, that you have less room in your life for friends and socializing.  And maybe even less desire too.  A decade ago the top of a weekend with no plans was a weekend I didn't look forward too and now almost the opposite is true.  I hate weekends where we are overscheduled (actually we hardly ever do that anymore) and weekends where from Friday night until Sunday night with nothing on the horizon are anticipated by me with unabashed joy.  There are times however, that I feel guilty about my love affair with solitude and feel like I should be making more of an effort to have a more active social life.  I see colleagues or friends who somehow effortlessly combine working, parenting, taking care of a house with full social lives.  I admire those women, and have the fleeting moment of envy once in a while but it really stops there.  I admire them the same way I admire athletes.  I respect what they do but wouldn't want to be them if my life depended on it.

How bad is it that Facebook is just my speed for socializing?  On it I am connected to most of my close friends and many others who I have re-connected with, like people from high school, childhood friends, college, former work friends, close and extended family members and even some people that I know by association.  I can be on it as much as I want, I have fascinating discussions, get information on a lot of things that I wouldn't find by myself and can connect with people who mean a lot to me?  Someone at work said to me that Facebook is only virtual socializing and cannot replace being in the same room with flesh and blood people.  I do agree it is not the same but it is the perfect compromise for me.  As a working mom trying to balance and have it all, I just don't have the time or the desire to invest in a social life, let's face it, the precious little time I get to myself, I'd rather be sleeping or watching tv reading.  With FB, I get some time with my friends, I find it easier to maintain the distance with my friends on Facebook since we can easily have interaction every day if we want to despite things like geography, time zones, etc.

Sometimes I think it would be better for Maya maybe if Leo and were a little more social.  I sometimes think of what we are teaching her by enjoying our solitude and preferring that over parties and social adventures, but for myself mostly not.  She already has social challenges and I sometimes wonder if we are somehow standing in the way of her development by preferring our quiet way of life over a busy social calendar.  On the other hand, I know plenty of insecure people that cannot face doing things on their own, being quiet with one's self and have to have 'ceaseless action' in order to feel fulfilled.  I have always been very grateful that I can enjoy myself without a crowd and maybe for Maya, who definitely does have issues with socializing, maybe for her it is important to learn that as well.

The Holiday Superfecta

Tonight's challah, gefilte fish and horseradish

This week is Rosh Hashanah, which is the beginning of the Jewish New Year, one of the most important holy days of the year.  Over the years many people ask if Rosh Hashanah is like New Year's Eve with parties, etc.  While it is certainly festive, it is still a holiday which carries a lot of religious significance.  Simply speaking we Jews read out of the Torah on every Sabbath and Rosh Hashanah signifies when you start again from the beginning.  The more complicated explanation is that Rosh Hashanah is the day in which you reflect back on the previous year, think about  your mistakes and how you could have done things differently.  A week later you later you ask G-d to forgive you for your sins on Yom Kippur followed 5 days later by  Sukkot which lasts 8 days and in simple terms is a holiday celebrating the harvest.  Following this is Simchat Torah, which is a celebration commemorating the reading of another complete cycle of the Torah and one of 2 Jewish holidays where it is a mitzvah (good deed) to get drunk.  In other words Rosh Hashanah kicks off what I call the Holiday Superfecta. 


These holidays can fall anywhere from the beginning of September until mid-October.  The Jewish calendar is a lunar calendar, so they occur on different days of the year with a lot of variation.  In Israel though, there is about a four week period which is peppered with holidays and where many people don't work, or work only half days and of course there is no school.  The school year in Israel usually starts around the beginning of September, and if Rosh Hashanah falls the next week, then kids usually have a 3 week vacation right after the start of school.  It's strange but after living in Israel for my first year, many strange things started to seem normal. 


Certainly Jewish culture revolves around a lot of things, but food is extremely important in our rituals.  Many Jews during the holidays eat traditional food which has been eaten by their families for generations.  Depending on where your family's origin is, can mean that traditional Jewish foods are different, or have a lot of different variations.  Jews, in their thousands of years of wandering also absorbed many local traditions and those also influence Jewish cooking and cuisine. One of the most interesting holidays I ever spent was one Sukkot in Israel.  I went with my cousin to the family of her cleaning woman and her Yemenite family to have lunch one day during Sukkot.  Besides eating outside in the sukkah, nothing else about the meal was at all familiar.  But I enjoyed every second of it and there is something very beautiful that within the world of Judaism there are many different customs, practices all rooted in the same religion.


I absolutely loved the holidays in Israel.  For the few days before everyone acts totally insane and buys enough food to feed a small country for a month.  Although you want to kill someone while you are in the supermarket, it is actually quite comical.  Through it all Israelis still have a strong sense of family.  While divorce rates are also on the rise, still family holds a very important place for most Israelis.   Many grown Israelis that I know who have familes of their own still spend Friday evening together with their parents, brothers, sisters, etc.  At holidays whole families (and friends) come together for a lot of food, laughter, very lively discussions, singing, etc.  It really is beautiful.  I really enjoyed the many kind friends and their families who adopted me so many times during holidays in Israel. 


As a kid, we spent most of the Jewish holidays at my grandparents.  Thanksgiving was at our house when I was a kid and when I got a little older, my aunt always had Thanksgiving, but Rosh Hashanah was nearly always at my grandmother's house.  It was always a lot of fun.  My family was not religious, although we did go to synagogue I think more for the social interaction than for spirituality.  My grandmother's house was a fun place on holidays (actually on any day).  Our family was pretty small, it was my grandparents, my parents and brothers and my aunt uncle and 4 cousins.  We saw a lot of each other (living a block away from each other as youngsters) and often spending Sundays at my grandparents.  We did what I think a lot of o ther Jewish families do on holidays, we ate a lot, hung out, talked and debated different things (sports, politics).  They were good times, although the holidays weren't all that much different than our usual Sundays together.  The only difference was the food my grandmother served.  On Sundays she almost always made steak (how she broiled delmonico steaks 14 people which were eaten at the same time, I'll never know.  On holidays she always made chicken soup, on Rosh Hashanah with kreplach and on Passover with matzo balls.  She also usually made a brisket (and I must say her brisket was awful, my mom's brisket was moist and tender and Meme's was dry like shoe leather) but she always made kugel and tzimmes so by the time you ate your gelfite fish, loaded up on kreplach and challah, you could skip right over the brisket onto kugel and not even care.  Skipping over brisket was like some intricate culinary game of hopscotch.  And although we never talked about it as kids, a couple of years ago I was together with my cousins and one of them brought up Meme's leather brisket and we all nearly peed our pants laughing, maybe because my aunt reproduced it at that particular get together, but just like riding a bike, my cousins brother and I played hopscotch then like we never stopped playing it. 


Anyone who knows me knows that I really love to cook.  I would not call myself a great cook, but I am solid. I can make a non leather brisket, so that's something, right?  As a child I spent many of those Sundays and holidays perched on my grandmother's royal blue stepstool in her pink kitchen (and I mean PINK, pink cabinet, pink stove top, pink oven, pink refrigerator), watching her as she made her food.  When I wasn't at my grandmother's house, I did the same in our own kitchen watching my mom cook.  My mom and grandmother did not write down recipes.  My grandma would say, you have to do it and not write it down, so I never wrote down any of her recipes.  However, when I grew up and started cooking, I really did know how to make most of the things she made.  Anyway, I think one of the reasons I really love to cook is that cooking connects me very closely with that time in my life.  Some of my warmest memories were spent in the kitchen.  I spent so much time talking to my grandma when I was there watching her cook.  She talked to me about her life, her parents, about music and dance, about life.  My grandmother was the warmest and kindest person I knew and I just loved being with her there, while she cooked for the family that she loved.  So, when I am cooking, particularly when the smells of what I am cooking are wafting through the house I feel that close connection toward my grandma.  I really do think that is why I really love to cook so much. 


And my holiday dinners largely resemble hers.  I use her silverware.  I make a lot of the same food and fuss over the table the same way.  When I am putting away her silverware, I can almost transport myself back to her pink kitchen, drying the silverware with her dish towels and putting them back in the same holder that she had. 

Maya, right before dinner asking me to 'bless the bread' already!

Our crowd at holidays vary.  Sometimes it is just us together with my inlaws, sometimes Leo's brother and sister are in with their families, sometimes friends are in.  Last year we had about 20 people, and tonight it was just us and tomorrow night it is us, with Leo's parents and a friend.  Small or large though I really love doing it.
In the earlier part of the week when I was making my soup and kreplach, I posted a little bit on facebook and many friends and family asked me for recipes and what I was making, I was honestly flattered that people wanted my recipes and wanted to know what I was cooking.


Tonight's Menu


Apples with Honey
Gefilte Fish with horseradish


Orange Chicken with Honey
Wild Rice
French cut green beans
Baby green salad with vinaigrette
Challah
Apple Crisp


Tomorrow Night's Menu


Apples with Honey
Gefilte Fish with Horseradish
Chicken soup with kreplach
Cucumber salad
Brisket with shoestring carrots and sauce of sherry and figs
Mashed Potato puree with spring onions
Hericot Verts
Green salad with dijon vinaigrette
Challah
And some kind of dessert (not sure yet which)

That One Little thing......

I totally admit it, I was swept up in Obama fervor. I was a Hillary supporter but when Obama started to pull ahead in the primaries I was taken in by his charm, his great communication skills, his accomplishments and the idea that change was possible. Like many liberally minded Americans, I was disgusted by what had become of America in the Bush years. I readily admitted that Bush had probably faced the worst challenges in his first term as President since FDR. Unlike FDR he did not take those proverbial lemons and make lemonade, instead he made sour milk. US standing in the world in shambles, anti-American sentiment on the streets, the economy crumbling and promises of more of the same with McCain and it was very easy for me to pitch my tent in Obama's camp. OK, I know this was kind of a fluff review, but you get the idea.


One of my favorite Obama campaign spots was from something called The Great Schlep which was a very funny ad targeted at Jews to vote for Obama in Florida. You can see the spot here.


Like in this ad, the one thing that bothered me about Obama was his stance on Israel in that it was hard to tell whether or not he would support the special relationship between Israel and the United States. His name scared me off and his stance on Israel seemed unclear but as a liberal and a candidate of fighting for what is just and right, I shrugged off my lingering doubts and supported him full steam ahead. Actually I was not so excited for the American future since the Clinton era. So, like many Hillary supporters I gave my vote to Obama.


So, he's elected in a sweeping victory and the first year I think he has done fairly well and is obviously not afraid to tackle tough domestic issues like health care. Yes! Economic stimulus package; Yes! Closing Guantanamo Bay; Yes! Health care reform. Despite the blogosphere and Fox news going nuts, I was feeling good about my choice.




Now after nearly a year and a half in office that one little thing is starting to chirp and make noise and it's getting louder. Obama's policies toward Israel are coming at me like a prophecy and as much as I am trying to take a balanced view and not go off the deep end, because I want to love this guy. I want this guy to be the best thing since FDR and sliced bread but it's getting harder and harder.


Obama spent most of the first year of his Presidency focused on domestic issues, which no matter if you agree with him on his policies or not was the right thing to do. The economy was in shambles, and although the President cannot control this directly I do think he took good measures. Then he decided to tackle health care. I have a lot of friends and readers of my blog who are against Obama's health care policies and I am not going to discuss that here.


Meanwhile in the Israeli press, AIPAC, Jewish groups the world over started noticing that the Obama administration was not really backing up its campaign promises toward Israel and not really doing much to get direct negotiations between the Palestinians and Israelis started again. This started to become more of an issue in the press as time went on. Hillary Clinton had been to the region a few times but nothing concrete or substantial came out of those visits. President Clinton had been a huge friend to Israel and tried throughout his two terms in office to hammer out a final agreement, but ultimately those talks failed when Yasser Arafat rejected a 1997 proposal by then-Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak to declare a Palestinian State (leaving the issues of refugees and the final status of Jerusalem (the two openly most contentious issues)) open for a 2-3 year period and then to be finally negotiated. When Obama asked Hillary Clinton to be his Secretary of State I thought, okay, I am not sure about Obama's stance on Israel but Hillary is definitely pro-Israel, therefore the peace process is in good hands. So, I put aside my misgivings. Still not much happened in Obama's first year and while the press and Jewish groups were railing about it I was not overly concerned, feeling rightly that Obama needed to focus on the home front.


I am a firm believer that the US is needed for real progress to be made toward a final agreement The US needs to be involved in talks and sponsor them in order for the parties to get to the table and actually start talking. Every bit of progress which has been made has followed this formula and it is necessary. It requires the actions and involvement of the President and not just the Secretary of State and Special Envoys. Israel and the US have shared a special relationship among nations and the US is probably the only nation that has stood behind Israel in it's 60 some odd years of statehood. I truly believe that the US is the only nation which truly believes in Israel's right to exist. Other countries are either neutral or tolerant. Even the EU which openly supports Israel's right to exist policy wise, still they quickly condemn Israel when it suits them. I am not an authority on this, but many Europeans I have come in contact with are anti-Israel, they voice that they are Pro-Palestinian, but they see Israel as the aggressor always and believe that what is primary is that the "Occupation" ends and Israel's need for security is secondary. I sometimes wonder if being Pro-Palestinian is now a politically acceptable form of being anti-semitic. OK, not going to descend into that, maybe a post for another time.


Let me be clear in saying that I am absolutely for a Palestinian State. I have lived in Israel and belong to the political party Meretz, which is a little left of my own politics but is the party in Israel that appealed to me the most on many issues. The Palestinians deserve their own state. They have a justifiable claim to the land and have the right to control their own destinies. Although the giving up of land in exchange for peace is never easy for Israel, still it is a necessary step and one which needs to happen. Israel grieved when they had to pull out of Sinai to make peace with Egypt and will grieve one day when they need to pull out of the West Bank too in order to give the Palestinians their state.Difficult for Israel, but without a doubt, absolutely necessary.


Still, all this giving up of land must require something on the Palestinian side When Israel pulled out of Sinai in order to make peace with Egypt, Egypt agreed not to attack and to maintain a peaceful border with Israel. In 33 years there has never been one incident.  That is not to say that the Israelis and Egyptians share a great love for one another, they have a difficult history and have been enemies in war, killing one another for many decades.  This leaves it's marks.  Like a surgical scar, which will stop hurting, the redness will go away, it will fade somewhat  Still when you see it or touch it, you remember the pain you were in.  This is how it is with Israel and Egypt.  Many Israelis love to vacation in Sinai, with it's unspoiled beaches, cheap Bedouin way of life and gorgeous reefs of the Red Sea.  Every time I crossed into Sinai from Israel, there was no great love for me at the border, but still in 33 years there has not been a single incident between Israel and Egypt.  One of my Israeli friends once said to me on the topic "it is not love, but it is peace."


Israel will not accept less from the Palestinians (and in my mind shouldn't).  If they can guarantee peace to Israel, Israel will withdraw, although not without some protests of the religious right (who by the way include an overwhelming amount of  American Jews, many of whom were not raised as religious but became religious and in many cases fundamentalist).  It will sting, but Israel would suck it up.  But Israel needs assurances from the Palestinans that if Israel leaves the West Bank that Gaza will stop shooting rockets into southern Israel and that terrorists will stop taping explosives to their vests, hop a ride into Israel and blow up innocent people while they sit on the street and have cappucinos.  This means also that the Palestinians need to seek out and punish terrorist cells in it's midst and publicly condemn terrorism against Israel.  Not an easy order for them with Hamas at the helm and a population who for decades is feeling oppressed by the Occupation of the enemy that they feel stole their land.  I am simplfying things for the sake of argument, but to me, that is the actual crux of what needs to happen.  You may disagree, but hell, it is my blog.  You want to argue, get your own blog.


I totally agree in the land for peace formula but I do find it interesting that most of the world sees Israel as illegally occupying this land.  Although to be honest, this was land which was won in war and which land Israel did not invade (actually it was Israel that was invaded).  I try to not let my mind descend into this but I sometimes wonder if the West Bank was Texas if the world would be screaming about illegally occupied land.  After all Texas was won and annexed to the US after the Mexican American war.  If this were not about Israel, the Jewish state would the world be screaming and is this yet again anti-semitism rearing it's head?


What Obama is doing now that he has chosen to finally do something is not anywhere in the neighborhood of achieving what needs to be achieved.  He is trying to get the Palestinians to the table by giving them lots of assurances on Israel's back.  He has guaranteed them a state within two years, although after those articles appeared Obama started pulling back on this and now is reiterating (probably after pressure from Jewish groups and negative press) his support for Israeli security.  He has also supported making the middle east a nuclear free zone, all the while refusing to impose sanctions on Iran and now  without saying it head on, threatening to put pressure on Israel's own nuclear program, which let's face it is the primary reason why Israel has not been attacked by its neighbors.  He is even making promises to the Palestinians that the US will negotiate a settlement on their behalf.  Of course the Palestinians would be hugely in favor of that, because they would not even be required to sit at the  table and would not have to concede to anything.  A total Palestian win-win.


I hate to say it or even think it, but Obama may just end up being the best friend of the Palestinians. 


Now I am not going to argue the validity or invalidity of any of these actions on the part of the Obama administration, but it does seem to my way of thinking that Obama is expecting to pressure the Israelis while requiring the Palestinians to do next to nothing to achieve their state. I hate to tell him that is not going to work.  The majority of Israelis want peace and are in favor of creating a Palestinian state and are even willing to make some hard sacrifices in order to do it.  What Israel is not going to do is roll over and play dead while the Palestinians have to offer no assurances while at the same time Obama Israel under his thumb.  Israel needs the US and the special relationship they have without a doubt, but they never have and never will sacrifice their own security interests for that.  I think that is a lesson Obama has yet to learn.  A blog which I follow pretty regularly and who has a great article on this is called Obama:  Waging War Against Israel on all Fronts. Now I don't always agree with this guy on everything but his articles are always interesting and thought provoking.


I do think Obama's current method is to try and do anything to get the Palestinians to the table and he is making grand gestures and assurances without considering Israel's needs in this.   I do believe this will backfire. Not only will he not achieve anything substantial in the way of peace talks but eventually he will lose the trust of the Palestinians after he shows them his promises are empty.  I am of course most curious why he is choosing to handle things this way.  Is it his inexperience in foreign affairs?  Maybe he is approaching this academically and thinks if he can just get the Palestinians to the table, he can deal with the rest and then allay the fears of Israel.  Does he really think that Israel will just lay down and make peace at any price?  I find it hard to believe that someone as intelligent as he is could not understand this.  Or is it because accomodating the Palestinians and pressuring the Israelis might be a way to help him realize his own interests.  If he gets the Israelis to lay down, he might get somewhere with Iran.  If he gets them to roll over and play dead, he might be able to help things in Iraq and Afghanistan and put American soldiers at less risk.  There is a school of thought out there that Al Qaeda and its brothers in arms target America because (at least in part) of its support of Israel and if Obama turns into the BFF of the Palestinians, this might help in the war against terror.  I am not even going to get started on how the rest of the Arab world treats the Palestinians like the poor stepsister of the Arab World.  I think they honestly do not care about the Palestinian situation except that it helps them to keep Israel as an enemy because what is at the heart of this, is not land or peace, but good old fashioned hatred.


If Obama's logic is really to put the pressure on Israel which will in some twisted logic serve American interests by making America less of a target of Islamic fundamentalists, thereby lessening the threat of terrorists against America or American interests, then I think this is the most scary logic of all because it pits American interests against Israeli interests.  Israel cannot make peace without American support and brokerage. If American interests are to ultimately force Israel to accept peace at any price, then Israel cannot afford to pay the tab.


I really hope with everything that I am that Obama is showing his inexperience because I really want to love this guy.  As time goes on though I wonder what is ultimately behind Obama's policies in the middle east.  Please let it be naivete.  I hope so, because naivete I can excuse, viewing the situation simply I can also excuse.  Is it policy or was that nagging feeling that I, and many Obama supporting Jews have wondered about these last couple of years and have tried to bury as paranoia.  Is it policy or anti-semitism disguised as policy.  What I hate the most about that thought is not the anti-semitism part, but the part of Obama that turns me into one of those paranoid Jews who sees anti-semitism around every corner. I don't think I will be able to excuse that.


Does anyone else need a drink?

I should be cleaning.......

Maybe it is because we are in the rhythm of the Jewish holiday cycle, Purim has just passed and we are now in the run off to Passover, the grandaddy-of-them-all of Jewish holidays as far as I am concerned, particularly if you can get past the idea of having to give up bread for 8 days.  Like some sort of tidal clock, my head is  full of Seder details.  I always do the Seder in our family, partially because the Dutch version (or at least the one I attended at my mil's) of the Seder doesn't seem to have the pageantry and grandeur that I love.  Not that I am saying that the Seder I grew up with was by-the-book, but Passover definitely was something out of the ordinary in our house and my husband's family do not enjoy breaking with their routines very much to embrace the essence of Passover (although secretly I do see them enjoying themselves a little bit during the Seder).


So, anyhow, every year I try to channel my mother and grandmother and try to outdo myself in preparing a festive holiday for whomever is around our table.  Our Jewish holiday tables are always an interesting hodge-podge of people.  While growing up our Seder table consisted of the same people every year, but ours is always a sort of grab-bag on who might be there.  Sometimes it is just us and my inlaws and sometimes we have 15 people around the table, so it is always a surprise, some years my brother in law and his family or my sister in law and her family come from Israel, somtimes not.  This year we are looking at my inlaws, probably one of their friends, a third cousin of mine who is studying in Amsterdam and a friend of mine from work.  So probably for the next two weeks at least I will be playing meal choices in my head (well my main courses do not change, only my vegetables, salads and other side dishes) and I will again curse myself for not being able to make a good sweet potato recipe (and I don't mean those Thanksgiving varieties with marshmallows, gummy bears and chocolate chips in a strudel) but a good basic roasted sweet potato, for some reason I cannot perfect this (standing rib roast, yes, cheese souflle, yes, sweet potato, no).


Passover is followed in short order by Israel's memorial day (Yom ha Zicharon) and Israel's Independence Day (Yom Ha'atzmaut).  Together I call these the holiday trifecta and they always put me in a wistful mood.  I like this time of year, because it recalls stories of Jewish heroism, yet doesn't forget the struggles and ordeals of the past.  The Jewish memory is long and it is very much part of Jewish life to take the bitter with the sweet.  That's what I love about a lot Jewish holidays, they are largely filled with both.  That's why we eat bitter herbs at Passover, but then eat also sweet charoses, right?  I'm generalizing I know, so please don't beat me with your haggadahs, or hurl a matzoh ball my way.


Anyway as usual I am getting off point.  What was the point?  Oh yeah, preparing for Passover.  Anyway, all these thoughts about table settings, what to prepare, etc. always gets me thinking a lot about Israel, which was my home for 5+ years.  I loved the seders I spent in Israel, largely just because of the sheer variety of experiences I had which were on the one hand so different from mine, but yet had some common threads to my Western Pennsylvania Passovers from home.  I've spent Passover on kibbutz, with a Sephardic family (where they actually ritually slaughtered a sheep) and with my neighbors, who had seder for about 40 people using two apartment sized kitchens, where the singing and festivities lasted until 3 AM.  Good memories all.


So I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the time I spent living in Israel (I think what I am really doing is avoiding doing my pre-Passover cleaning).  I must say that those 5 years were in many ways the most adventurous, fulfilling and satisfying years of my life. I found my independence in Israel, I struggled there in the beginning but found my way all on my own.  I learned a new language.  I made wonderful friends and everything I accomplished there was due to no one but me.  Everything I cherish now (Leo and Maya) come from that one decision to leave everything that was familiar to me and everyone who represented security to me to go to a place which had always been in my mind, thanks to my Zionist father and grandparents, my magna-cum-Jewish youth group background, complete with Zionist summer camps, a lighthouse, a place that represented the pinnacle of struggle, freedom and heroism.


My 5 years there made me face the real Israel, which was not quite the Israel of my dreams inspired by summer camp singalongs, eating hamentaschen and going to Shabbat Services, but nonetheless, still special, magnificient and beautiful in their own right. Amos Oz says it much better than I.  The following is a quote from the very end of one of his books, which I only truly understood after I re-read this book for about the 10th time after I had been living in Israel a few years. This ias the Israel I came to know, and love just the same (or maybe even more) than my idyllic Zionist fantasy.

...Not the land of our forefathers glory and not days of yore but simply the State of Israel.....Not "the land of the hart (sic)" and not "the divine city reunited" as the cliches would have it but simply the State of Israel.  Not the "Maccabeans reborn" that Herzl talked of, but a warm hearted, hot-tempered Mediterranean people that is gradually learning through great suffering and in a tumult of sound and fury, to find release both from the bloodcurdling nightmares of the past and from delusions of grandeur, both ancient and modern; gradually learning to cling to what it has managed to build here over the course of one hundred difficult years, despite the "sand and the enemies", as the man from Ashdod put it.  Gradually learning to hold on by its fingernails to what there is.  Are we gradually learning, or perhaps not?  But we should learn.  And what is, at best, is the city of Ashdod.  A pretty city and to my mind a good one, this Ashdod.  And she is all that we have that is our own.  Even in culture and in literature:  Ashdod.  All those who secretly long for the charms of Paris or Vienna, for the Jewish shtetl or for heavenly Jerusalem:  do not cut loose from those longings-for what are we without our longings?-but let's remember that Ashdod is what there is.  And she is not quite the grandiose fulfillment of the vision of the Prophets and of the dream of generations; not quite a world premiere, but simply a city on a human scale.  If only we try to look her with a calm eye, we will surely not be shamed or disappointed.

-Amos Oz, In the Land of Israel

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to gain as better underastasnding of Israel and the Israeli psyche.


Many friends and relatives ask me my views on the Middle East, mostly because I have the experience of living in Israel and they want to have more of an intimate view than what they read in Time Magazine.  Honestly, since I left Israel 8 years ago, I make it a habit not to follow things too closely anymore.  Mostly because a lot of what I read or see pisses me off because, whichever way it leans (both pro and anti Israel) cannot truly capture the multi-layered, extremely complex nature of the situation.  Also I think because reading stuff on Israel always inevitably leads me to look for subliminal anti-semitic messages in everything and I don't enjoy that kind of paranoia (particularly because I am suceptible to it).  Particularly in Europe where Pro-Palestinian sentiment runs much higher than in the US and where Israel is seen largely as an occupier, a violator of human rights.  Thias view is diametrically opposed to the mainstream American view which is quite the opposite.  Most Americans are pro-Israel, Israel is seen as the only democracy in an otherwise autocratic Arab world which subjugates its people and whose most fervent and fanatical believers are an enemy.  One example to illustrate my avoidance/paranoia.  My office which has no collective political opinion on the conflict, has a cafeteria in the basement.  The window blinds which have been chosen by my office are the kind which are sort of a sliding door type of blind which have maps of various cities and countries on them.  One of the maps is of Europe and the Middle East, and the map which has been illustrated on this panel is one which is from shows Jerusalem as part of Palestine and not Israel.  Now do I think my office was trying to make some sweeping statement with this?  Not at all. They (or their interior designers) picked out window coverings which would be appropriate for this room).  Were the people who made these blinds anti-semites, did they purposely choose this map of Israel?  I don't know for sure, but I can tell you this.  That map and that thought has occupied me while I am eating lunch more times than I would like to admit.  See?  Easy, therefore I try to avoid reading too much, or reading too much into things because it is a spiral or maybe a merry-go-round, anyway, it is ride I don't wish to go on.


I don't think my years living in Israel fundamentally changed my point of view on the Middle East conflict but it did open my eyes to a greater understanding of the complexities of the situation. Although traditionally left-winged (in a Labor-Meretz kind of way) All sides have legitimate claims to the land which can be argued to kingdom come.  Religious claims to Jerusalem at least become more difficult I think for the Muslim world to claim (even though they are claimed and I am not even going to go there with my opinion on that as many other people out there in cyberspace have cornered this market and argue more effectively on both sides better than I).  Now, I admit that while fundamentally my opinion as to what the solution is to this conflict never really changes, although depending on the happenings of the moment I can lean more to the left or slightly more to the right (particularly at times when Israel is being vilified in the press for defending itself from attack).  By slightly, I mean slightly, I will never be a fan of Bibi Netanyahu or Arik Sharon, however, I do recognise that Israel has the right to defend itself and to ensure its security and I do feel that if they did not take the preventive or even reactive measures that they do, Israel would be the recipient of many more catastrophic attacks from its neighbors.  It is only because Israel is pre-emptive that the peace with Egypt and Jordan holds.  I truly believe that.


So, what do I believe?  It comes down to three basic principles for me:


1.  I believe in a two state solution.  The Palestinians should have their own state and the chance to fulfil their own destiny (although I am not comfortable at all with Hamas being at the head of that State).  I am also okay with abandoning the settlements on the West Bank, although I understand how painful it is to do that, but to bring this about, it is an absolute necessary step.  It was necessary to bring about the peace with Egypt and is necessary to bring peace with the Palestinians. 


2.  Israel has to live in true peace and security from its neighbors. 


3.  Jerusalem should be the capital of Israel, and I would be okay with dividing Jerusalem and giving East Jerusalem to the Palestinians as the capital of their state (although I truly believe their reasons for this are political and not religious), provided that the Palestinians, and other Arab states respect and recognize Israel's right to exist and stop funding terrorist organisations that promote the destruction of Israel.


Do I think these three principles will ever come to pass?  I don't know.  My thoughts on the matter is that there are special moments in time in which peace has a chance to flourish, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.  One of these moments in time brought about the Camp David Accords.  Another moment in time culminated in the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin.  


Who's to say when that next moment will be and what will become of it?