Calling all Au Pairs

At least in the Netherlands.

We have had au pairs living with us for the last six years.  It was a choice that we made just before Maya was diagnosed with autism, figuring it was better for her to come home after school rather than have to adjust and cope in an after school program, once Maya was diagnosed we knew that an after school daycare for special needs kids was not really something that existed.  

It's been a win-win for us.  And before you think we are just spoiled, upper class people who don't want to raise our kids, we aren't.  We are quite atypical from most families that have au pairs.  While we are comfortable financially and have a nice house, we live in a very average home, in a neighborhood with people who are school teachers, electricians, secretaries auto mechanics and the like.  We definitely do not live among the country club set, no CEOs, Diplomats, Ponzi Schemers or Hedge Fund Managers over here.  We definitely have to think about where and how we spend our money.  We go without certain things in order to have an au pair.  We take less vacations than your average European family and we also gave up having a second car.  So, we are not just some rich family in a Range Rover talking about how hard it is to find good help.  

This is a conscious choice we have made for our family.  We gladly made and continue to make that choice for our girl, because having an au pair is better for her development, it's more comfortable with us and fits better into our lifestyle, helps reduce the inevitable stresses from raising a special needs child and most importantly, our daughter, as an only child, it gives her at least a taste of the experience of having an older sibling to be with, live with, pal around with and form a bond with.   

We've adjusted pretty easily to having someone living with us (which is the number one question I get from people about having an au pair) and now it just feels normal to have another member of our family.  

There are certain adjustments you need to make as a family with live in help.  There is the whole thing that you have to adjust to someone actually living in your house and who has different ways of doing things than you do.  You also have to accept that there will always be things that you feel they don't do as well or as thoroughly as you, because that is just the reality of having household help.  It's the overall package which is important rather than any individual task.  The fact that you have someone taking your children under their wing and helping you with the day to day of childcare, of taking the children to where they need to go and  helping you keep house counts for a lot.   I always love coming home from work each day and having my living room and kitchen cleaned up and tidy, our beds made and things more or less put away.  Believe me, it would not look that way if the system were dependent on me.

We've had 4 au pairs over the years and will likely have a few more.  Leo and I have decided to continue with an au pair at least until Maya finishes primary school and then based on where she is with her development and what her life looks like then, we will decide if we will continue.  

We've loved our au pairs, they have all been very kind people, although with very different personalities and Maya has adored each one of them.  Of course, like anyone, you like some traits better in one person than another and vice versa.  We've been very lucky, because despite whatever personality ups and downs there have been, every single one of our au pairs has been kind and caring people, who've loved our girl and have done their best to do things the way we Leo I like.

Not that our au pairs over the years haven't done things that have irritated us from time to time or had certain habits in the way they did things that we would have preferred were handled in a different way but that is always going to be true when you have relationships with people.  If you keep a scorecard, you are going to get less out of the relationship.  If you build trust and accept that one another are not perfect, you can find your way.  We, like any other family have certain deal breakers and I stress the importance of those and mostly for the rest, I let it go, as I am certain there are certain things we (mostly I) do which annoy them from time to time and they let that go as well.  Give and take.  

Au pairs that come from a foreign country often become friends with other au pairs, and you know what that means.  They compare their host families.  So, we've had a lot of au pairs come in and out of our house and I have heard a lot of stories about host families.  Many are just funny stories, but we have heard more than our fair share of truly shocking things, things that really show a lack of compassion, responsibility and downright abuse.  

 The Netherlands has very strict rules regarding au pairs, partially because there were so many cases of reported abuse by host families that our immigration authorities just got a whole lot stricter.  Even with those rules in place, however, it seems like a lot of families don't follow those rules and take advantage of their au pair's youth and naiveté.  Au pairs eager to please and make a good impression, have a good experience are often reluctant to question the orders of their host families.  

Still, the things I see are often in flagrant violation of the rules and in my view, common decency.  An au pair is not a job in the classic sense, the au pair doesn't get a salary, he/she gets room/board and a small stipend each month.  It's supposed to be a cultural exchange and you are supposed to treat the au pair as if they were an older sibling to your own children.  That's not to say that it's not right to give them responsibilities and require nothing, but you really should play fair.  These people are caring for your children, however you treat them will be reflected back to you in how the au pair cares for your own kids.

These are just some of the things I have seen/heard about over the years:

-Not giving the au pair their own room but making them sleep in a public room, like the dining room, without any privacy.   One au pair told me that her room is detached from the rest of the house and doesn't have its own bathroom and the family has said she is not allowed to come into the house when they are there, even to use the bathroom.  They've given her three buckets and toilet paper to keep in her room.  Ummm, guess what, it's not a barnyard animal you're keeping, it's a human being.  How the f*ck would you like to pee in a bucket?  (the rule is that the au pair needs their own room (and their own bathroom if possible)).  

-Making the au pair work 6 or 7 days per week (5 is the max)

-Giving the au pair the responsibility for all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and total care of the children (totally not allowed, the immigration authorities are very specific about what you can and cannot ask from an au pair in order to make sure that the responsibility stays with the parents, down to the fact that you can ask them to vacuum but you can't ask them to clean your stove or oven).

  

-Routinely expecting the au pair to watch the children 10-12 hours per day or more (8 hours per day is the max)

-Not giving the au pair any weekends off (they must have at least one per month)

-Calling the au pairs on their day off and expecting them to return home to work (not allowed, days off must be scheduled, you can change the schedule, but that should be done in consultation with the au pair and certainly NOT once the day off has begun).

-Not providing meals on the au pair's day off (full room and board is the agreement)

-Making the au pair do the family's entire laundry including ironing (kids laundry only)

-Making the au pair taking care of all night feedings for a newborn baby (not strictly against the rules but probably not very ethical unless the au pair's night hours are factored into the hours she is allowed to work (which means for a newborn probably a pretty light day schedule), and this particular au pair gets up in the night and then takes the older children to school and picks them up.  Not sure what the schedule is there, but this person is supposed to help the parents, not raise the sodding children.  

While it is the host family's obligation to ensure that they follow the rules, both the official rules but also the rules of common decency, I find it hard to believe that many au pairs feel like anything other than a servant.  Still an au pair has to know their rights.  Many host families think that because they are supporting the au pair financially they can ask anything and everything and like I said, they often take advantage of the au pair's naiveté.  Au pairs should know their rights.  Certainly there is room for flexibility, so if you for instance like doing laundry, and you agree, sure, go ahead but to me the problem is where a host family just expects, expects and expects and gives no flexibility or leeway of their own.  In some capacity by not understanding the rules and gently raising questions on these things, they confirm to their host families that indeed this treatment is okay.  

We relish the relationship we have had with all our au pairs and love that they have loved our daughter so much.  They truly are members of our extended family and I hate to see, what I think are mostly good natured people being taken advantage of.  

Au pair is not French for indentured servant.  

The Wheels on the Bus Go Up Your......

F*&$ing a&%hol*!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's pretty much what I feel like screaming every single morning since Maya's new school year started.  

Now all parenting is tough, special needs or not.  All children go through difficult moments or phases or times.  They throw off your plans, your sleep, your sanity.  

You know what one of the  B I G  differences is though?

When you have a child with special needs, every single thing in their lives becomes a friggin' milestone.  Every nuance, every new thing, every change has the potential to wreak total and absolute havoc in your child's life and in turn, in your life as a parent.  

School is a milestone, vacation is a milestone, sickness is a milestone, birthday parties are a milestone, playing outside is a milestone, eating, sleeping, you get the picture.  

With autism nothing just is.

The changes have been running rather fast at Maya these last couple of weeks.  Vacation mode, going abroad, coming home, new au pair, new school year, new class (and away from her friends).  That's a monumental amount of change for my girl.  

The worst change of all though-- the new school bus.  

Now, the school bus is probably one of the hardest situations for Maya to succeed in.  It's small, it's noisy and there is no individualized attention because the driver, has to, you know, drive.  We've had problems on the bus before.  It's actually one of the hardest places because neither the school nor us as parents aren't actually there and therefore it is tough for us to have any real influence on the situation.  These are special needs kids and they all have their very individual set of issues and often those issues come into conflict, and they very little tools in the resolving conflict department.   So, the bus represents a place where issues can easily spiral out of control.  

Particularly if you have a bus driver that doesn't understand the situation properly and you know, who doesn't give a shit.  

For the past two years we had a great driver.    He knew the kids, he tried, he was patient and he was flexible and willing to work together with the parents and the school to try different ways to make the bus ride more successful for everyone concerned.  He took bad days in stride, he didn't take it out on the kids or write them off as bad kids.  He may not always have known how to deal with their issues, but he approached it with a good nature, a lot of patience and he cared about the kids.  There were bad days, but he never took it out on the kids or us, he'd always think together with us how we could address a particular difficulty, he listened to us and in turn we listened to him and tried to work together with him to solve his problems and make it easier for him.  

Apparently those days are gone.  

In the Netherlands, getting bussed to school is not a regular thing.  There are no school districts, parents are free to choose whatever school they like for their child.  Most kids go to schools in their own neighborhood and can very easily walk or bike to school.  For children with special needs though (like us), there may not always be a close by option which offers the appropriate environment for your child.  In that situation, the municipality where you live has to provide transport.  Every year you have to go through the usual song and dance, fill out the paperwork, blah, blah, blah.  This means though that the municipality will sometimes (as they've done now) change bus companies and go with a cheaper offer.  Which is pretty much what I think went down because we went from having a known, specialized bus company that deals with all forms of special needs, be it physical or cognitive and their drivers were trained and aware of the situation and understood that transporting these kids can be a particular challenge.  Now the municipality has changed companies, to another company specialized, but this company has subcontracted out to a regular taxi company and their drivers are just regular taxi drivers and have no idea what they are in for.  I don't know for sure but I am guessing the other specialized company got the contract probably by undercutting the price and then subcontracting out because the cheaper price does not cover the specialization.  

So I now have an older version of Beavis driving my daughter to school and every morning I have to resist the urge to special order a Louisiana Slugger bat from Amazon.com and beat this guy silly with it.  On the very first day of school he showed up at my house, I walked Maya out and he was yelling at this boy, let's call him Frank, from Maya's school, albeit a very difficult child, who doesn't talk and has a very hard time behaving.  The kids all have assigned seats in the bus and Frank wasn't in his seat and Maya was having a cow about it (because her autistic memory means she can remember who farted on the bus at exactly 2.13 PM three years ago) and she is having none of this jostling the seats around business.  I tried to explain to the driver that each child has their own assigned seat and it would be better for him and for the kids if they were to sit in the seats they were accustomed to.  He said, nobody informed him about it, so he doesn't have to do it.  

So I knew that the ride would be bumpier than my home state of Pennsylvania in winter even though the Netherlands boasts zero potholes.  

Day two, Beavis arrives at my house and I can hear Frank screaming at the top of his lungs before I arrive at the front door.  Maya's best friend L was in the seat next to Frank which is not his place and he had tears in his eyes.  When he saw me he undid his seatbelt and hugged me.  I again said to the driver that each child has an assigned seat and it would be better if L sat in front next to the driver, if Frank sat in the middle bench by the door and if Maya were in the back corner by the window.  Then each kid is not in physical reach of one another and cannot start tormenting the other.  He told me that it doesn't matter because your daughter doesn't know how to behave anyway.  I explained to him that these are children with special needs and while I know it's difficult he needed to listen and try to find an approach which will work.  He then turned to Maya and said are you going to start already, you need to listen and get your seat belt on and not cause trouble.  I told him he is never to scold my daughter, that if there is a problem, he is to talk to me about it.  He turned his head and looked the other way.  

These are just a few examples of the issues we have encountered in all of 8 days of school.  

At school they said last week that Maya came to school upset every single day and has been very difficult to reach these days.  

Tell me about it.  

Now I am not putting it all on Beavis, these kids are difficult and my daughter can be naughty and is more likely to be when her routine is broken and when things are stressful.   So, I cannot blame the driver completely, I certainly can and do blame him for doing absolutely NOTHING to be constructive and help the situation.  In all honesty he probably had absolutely no idea what he was in for when they gave him this route.  I've called the transport company and complained twice so far and have made an agreement with the school that if things don't settle down in two weeks, we will lodge a formal complaint with the municipality and they will back me up.  

It probably won't do much good but I will jump through the hoops anyway, because if I don't address it, no one will.  

The question is what to do if a change doesn't happen?  I am a working mom who has to be at work. Leo has to be at work early in the morning and can't drive her.  We are a one car family.  It's a one hour  trip to go to Maya's school each day.  I suppose I could take her on the days when I am not travelling and get the au pair to take her when I am.  But why should I have to do that?  This is well within our rights to have appropriate transport and while I don't lob all the blame onto the driver, I do expect someone to take a constructive approach.  

Now if I can get through the next ten or so days without punching that guy in his face.  

Mt. St. Helens, Parks and Superman

First of all, thanks to everyone for all your kind and thoughtful messages on my last blog post, your caring and concern for Maya is touching.

So, we had our interview on Tuesday and it went fine.  It was largely just some questions from a bureaucrat-trying-not-to-sound-like-a-bureaucrat.

We were told by Maya's friend L's dad that we should make the situation seem slightly worse than it is.  Leo and I talked it over and while we were willing to highlight the challenges a bit heavier than normal, neither one of us felt the need to lie or to make sweeping declarations of how difficult our lives are.

Maya has autism, she's in a special school, a special school for the hardest to learn kids, she functions on a level well behind her peers.  Case closed, right?

Well...

The interview itself went okay, it was just a lot of questions:

• Can Maya dress herself?  yes, she can, but she often makes small mistakes like putting her shirt on backwards or if her clothes are inside out she doesn't realize it and doesn't know how to turn them right side out.  During school we have to dress her because she cannot dress herself in a fluid set of actions, she does one thing and runs around, does something else, half puts on a sock, decides what book she is going to take to school, etc.

• Can Maya brush her teeth?  Yes, she does, but I go over it for her most days to make sure her teeth are clean.

• Does she bathe or shower by herself?  She will go in by herself but just to play, we still wash her hair for her and make sure her body is clean.  She knows how to wash her own body but we can't rely on her to do it on her own without us prompting her.

• Can she tie her shoes?  No.

• Can she button or zip up her pants or coat?  Zipping she can do if there is nothing obsructing, but if the zipper gets stuck she doesn't know how to fix it.  She can't button anything.

• What's her behavior like?  Generally she is pretty well behaved, but she has a hard time listening and still will melt down from time to time.  She has to do things in her own time.

This is how they judge whether or not your child is fit to qualify for additional support?  Some bureaucrat in a room, who probably has no experience at all with special needs, for all I know was a transfer from the Parks Commission sits in a room and based on your answers to questions as to whether your kid can condition her own hair,  makes your decisions.

I wasn't comfortable with them asking us questions with Maya in the room, and I asked if either Leo and I could leave the room with her and have the Q & A in private but Ms. Parks said that they wanted to observe Maya.  

So, yeah, put her in a stuffy conference room with not one inviting thing for a kid and force her parents to talk about her and her issues in front of her.  

Leo, who has absolutely no tolerance at all for bureaucratic hoops, even when he knows they are a necessary part of the process, was a ticking time bomb the whole time.  I knew if I even showed even one whiff of impatience or frustration, he was going to blow like Mt. St. Helen's.

So, I put on my best-American tone of voice (how are YOU doing today) and tried to answer her questions.

The whole time doing the interview Maya was quiet and glued to the iPad.  Whenever the woman asked her anything she barely answered in a whisper and made no eye contact.

The whole thing lasted about 40 minutes with Ms. Parks telling us she would liaise with the school and the program we want to enroll her in and give us a decision within 1-1.5 weeks.

After the interview, I talked to Maya and asked her if she had any questions about the interview or understood what we were talking about.  No mommy, I was busy coloring on the iPad.

Thank you, Steve Jobs.

Jumping to yesterday, Ms. Parks gave Leo a call telling him that Maya didn't qualify for the backpack.

See, not disabled enough, apparently I should have listened to L's dad and deprived Maya of sleep and food before the interview in order to trigger meltdowns.

Leo called me and unloaded all his frustrations on the bureaucracy on me.  I let him go, because it is irritating that you have to jump through all these hoops when your daughter has a clear diagnosis and when she goes to a school for kids with cognitive challenges and she has an IQ of 69.

For once, that number should work in our favor, no?

Then, Leo mentions that the athletic practice still has to provide some info for the file.  WTH, they rejected us, didn't they?   So I asked Leo again what they said exactly.  He dutifully regurgitated out the bureaucratic doublespeak, which might as well have been in tongues.  Sorry, I can't do bureaucratic-speak in Dutch.

I suggested he call our contact over at the practice to see if he could provide any clarity.

I feel pretty comfortable calling this guy Superman.

Superman said that Maya, was indeed rejected for the backpack, which is an annual sum of money paid directly to the parents (via a special bank account) where the parents directly pay for therapy and have to provide an accounting once a year.

The Man of Steel said that they've asked for details on the practice in order to process Maya through the national health insurance scheme.  This is apparently a second form of support available to those with disabilities, from the national health insurance fund.  Hard to explain, but those who are terminally ill or disabled, the costs of their care are not covered via individual health insurance policies, this is the socialist way to strike a balance between having no uninsured, keeping insurance companies profitable and the price of policies within reason.  

Superman said that although it is not a done deal yet, in their experience when they ask for these details it means that Maya will qualify for the funding.  He said that he will deal with the request now and we don't have to do a thing.  He thinks in the next couple of weeks, we should receive a written confirmation from the National Health Fund and once we have that letter, Maya can start the very next week.

So, cross your fingers, toes, eyes and whatever else and send out some good vibes for our girl!

I need to look for a sale on Kryptonite.

What do you hope for?

On Tuesday we have an interview with the government agency charged with providing additional funding for those with disabilities.

While Maya's school covers her therapy basics, physical therapy, speech therapy and one-on-one attention and a personal education and development plan, that is as far as things go.  If you want therapy outside of school, you need to request additional funding from the government for it.

Comparitvely speaking, I would say that the Netherlands is a pretty good place to be if you have autism.  Because the Dutch place an extraordinarily high value on conformity , they pounce on differences and want to weed out anyone that can't conform to the standards.   Although the official education policy says that as much as possible, they want to mainstream kids with special needs, the reality is, that in the majority of cases most kids with special needs are not mainstreamed, even those that are high functioning, if they go to a mainstream school, they are in a separate class.

Actually in the Netherlands they don't even use the terms high functioning or low functioning.  Not one person we have dealt with in 5+ years since Maya has been diagnosed has ever used those terms.  In the beginning of the journey, I asked them to classify Maya in this way (because I read so much about it on the Internet) and they insisted that the Dutch system doesn't label children in this way.

There's two ways to look at that.

One is that they don't label the kids and look at each kid as an individual and understand that even a high functioning child might need extra support.  The other is that they don't believe a child with special needs could be high functioning.  So depending on how you look at it, the Netherlands is either light years ahead or light years behind the curve.

I've basically decided to apply my best tunnel vision techniques and not answer this question, because Maya is getting supported and she absolutely, positively needs that support.  A  high functioning label might make me feel better about her future but it also might deny her the services that she so desperately needs.  I am sure if she wouldn't qualify for support, she'd be a mess in a mainstream environment and the multiple daily meltdowns we were dealing with would have become much worse with age and physical strength and Maya would be largely locked in her own world.

Tunnel vision it is.

Anyhoo, we have this interview on Tuesday because we feel Maya could really benefit from some additional support and we are asking for additional funding.  The Dutch call this additional funding a rugzak (backpack).  It's basically an annual sum of money which can be used to offset the costs of therapy, special needs extracurricular activities or additional costs (for instance childcare) since there are no after school programs that accept special needs kids (and even if there were, the costs would be exhorbitant).

The backpack can make a huge difference.  One of Maya's school friend's parents gets enough each year to fully cover additional therapies and childcare after school in the home.  Here, I have been paying out of my own pocket to have an au pair since Maya's horrible mainstream school experience because there seemed to be no other options for us.  Not that I would use this money to cover the au pair, but still.  Amazing how after 5 years in the special needs system, no one ever suggested to us to apply for the rugzak.  You do get a lot more from schooling than you do in places like the states, in the US a school like Maya's would probably be a private school, so I am not complaining, but things are just as full of fragmentation and no one gives you straight information here either.  It's like they build the system purposely difficult so that you have to work to find out everything you need to.

We want to enter Maya into an after school program focused on developing athletic abilities for special needs kids.  It's a fabulous program and it is run by a friend of Leo's family.  They would pick her up at school,  bring her to the gym and they work one-on-one  on different sporting activities and if they find one that your child is good at, and enjoys they will coach them.  Some children  even make it to Special Olympics.  They also have dinner at the center and the kids  learn how to help with things like setting and clearing the table, preparing food and doing chores.   Five of their assistants are people with special needs so for some, it can even offer some kind of career path.  After dinner, they bring the children home.  We think it would be really great for Maya to do this 1-2 days a week.  She reallly loves athletics, and it is good for her physically and the one-on-one could really benefit her without putting her in a strict therapeutic setting.   Down the road if we do get the funding than we would look into ABA therapy.

We'd never even come close to being able to afford this kind of support on our own.  Without the backpack, we don't do it.

Here's the rub.

Maya has come a long way since she was given her official diagnosis of autism.  She understands much more of the world around her, she is more often than not present in the world around her.  If I re-read the psychiatrist's, psychologist's, therapists, teachers reports, Maya has developed quite a lot and while all the behaviors and things they point to which justify the diagnosis are still there, they have a much less significant impact on her life.  The fact she is in a special needs school, and actually the type of school for kids who have the hardest time learning should carry a lot of weight, but still, how do I know that the guy interviewing her doesn't really believe in therapy or doesn't believe that Maya is disabled enough to justify extra funding?

Do I, her mother,  actually hope that this guy finds her disabled enough?

As her mom, I am not enough of a Pollyanna to wish that she wouldn't have autism, because I know she will have autism for life, but what I would wish for her is that her life is not defined by her autism.  What I want is for her to develop enough so that her adult life is one that offers her as many choices as possible rather than a life which is defined by her challenges.   Of course, I don't have a crystal ball and it is hard to know what Maya's abilities will be in a decade, but I feel in my heart that Maya is capable of much more than she shows.  Even a year or two ago, I didn't feel that Maya was ready to handle any additioanl activities or requirements on her time and that anything additional would actually limit her progress.

I do feel she is ready for that now.  While we are very happy with her schooling and she does make steady progress there, I feel that without additional support we really run the risk that developmentally she will progress, but remain within the same competency level that she is in now.

I know that an athletic/therapeutic program or any additional therapy we would do is no guarantee of a different outcome.  I know that and accept it, but I also don't want my daughter defined by my acceptance either.  I want to give her every reasonable chance.

So, yeah, I guess I am hoping she is disabled enough.

Bedtime BS

Maya's never been great at falling asleep.

If my mom were still alive she would have blamed my attachment to attachment parenting because I let Maya sleep in our bed until she was 4 (I used to tell people 2, then 3, but now she's 9, there's no point in lying).

Maya didn't sleep through the night until she was more than a year old, and until she was 4 she woke up frequently and was not able to go back to sleep.  She has eczema and the itching really affected her sleep patterns.

I had to stop giving her an afternoon nap at 2 and a half because she simply would be up until after 11 PM, so we stopped napping her and for an entire year, from 3.30 until 7 PM she threw tantrum after tantrum, but at least she went to bed early.

She did grow out of it eventually.

But, she's never been a kid that slept as much as other kids.  For the last two years a long sleep for her is 10 hours, a good sleep is 9.  She's in bed at 8.30 on school nights but most nights she doesn't actually sleep before 10 or sometimes even later.

The Dutch believe in an early bedtime for children.  Most children on school nights are in bed by 8 or even 7 and asleep shortly thereafter, even kids older than 10.  During weekends or vacations we see our friends kids just start to get tired later in the evening and usually around 9, they are either asleep on their feet or cranky-as-all-get-out.  Our Maya though, is usually just getting her second wind going.

A few friends have told us chapter and verse about how kids need 10-12 hours of sleep a night and how it's doing them a disservice to let them stay up later.  Believe me, if I had a kid that would be willing to go to sleep at 7.30, she'd be asleep by 7.30.  On the rare occasions that she is asleep at 7.30, she's usually up by 4 AM.

Yeah, yeah, consistency, limits and all that crap.  On bedtimes, I am a failure, I admit it.  

Still, I do believe that everyone has their own natural sleep rhythms.  Parents can influence a lot, they can enforce bedtimes, but they cannot force their child to sleep.

I stopped stressing about it long ago.  You can lead a horse to water and all that.  She does well in school and is not overtired, she wakes up okay 95% of the time, so I just let it be.

Truth be told, she is a lot like me.  At this age, I never fell asleep before 11 and I just slept in on the weekends, that's pretty much what Maya does now.  Most of our friends enforce bedtimes even on the weekends but I don't see the fun in that.  As a kid, I always looked forward to weekends because it meant I could stay up as late as I wanted and loved that part of childhood and Maya obviously does too.

The first couple of days after a school vacation though are usually a nightmare, Maya, who has spent days or weeks staying up late and sleeping late suddenly has to get up at 6.30.   The first day or two she's usually really tired and for many years this spelled meltdowns although for the last year or two Maya will just say she is tired and go to her room.

In order to ward off that first day back demon, I try to plan ahead and manipulate Maya's sleep patterns.  Usually 3-4 nights before I start waking her up earlier, first 8.00, than 7.00, than 6.30 in the hopes that the earlier wake up will cause her to go to sleep earlier in the days before and she can get back to a good rhythm.  It usually doesn't do anything, usually the night before she is up late and then super tired when she gets home from school that first day.  So, usually the last days of her school vacation end up with us fighting because Maya won't go to bed and I stress her out by telling her over and over about how tired she is going to be and her telling me that I am breaking the rules because it is school vacation and during school vacation she can stay up as late as she wants and get up when she wants.

This time I decided not to do anything, partly because I was at home the entire vacation with her and I also wanted to go to bed late and get up late, but mostly because nothing really works and the last days of a break just turn into a lot of arguing back and forth.  Who needs that?

So, last night, her last vacation night, Maya went to bed at 1 AM and got up at 9.30 AM.  I was prepared for midnight tonight.  Still, at 8.30 I told her to go to bed, she asked me if she could watch something on tv and I told her she could watch a short DVD.

At 9.15 I walked past her room, she was dead asleep, no TV on.  

My job here is done.

Shiny, Sparkly and Meaty

Happy New Year one and all!

As an American that lives abroad, I am not one for embracing Dutch traditions on a regular basis.  I do the ones which there is no way out of, like Queen's Day or Sinterklaas but for the rest, I'm mostly not a partaker.  Part of that is due to my resistance in joining anything, but also part is because they are not my customs, and since I happened to marry a man who is even less than a joiner than I am, we opt out of most hardcore Dutch traditions.

Except one.

Eating gourmet on New Year's.

Well, actually we don't follow the tradition exactly because most Dutchies eat gourmet on New Year's Eve but we eat it on New Year's Day, because it is great hangover food, and we always sleep late on New Year's Day, eating breakfast around 2, so eating gourmet is a great way to have a great meal without a lot of work.  But, first, the burning question.

What the hell is gourmet?

Gourmet is a table top grill that you use to cook food tableside.  It's origins are Swiss and Swiss tradition is that you eat raclette by eating boiled potatoes and cover them all kinds of goopy, wonderful melted cheese, and eat them with sweet pickles and dried meats. This is called raclette.  But, the Dutch use their own twist and use their raclette mostly as a kind of tableside barbeque and call it gourmet (pronouncing the 't').  Don't ask me how we got from boiled potatoes to meat, I don't know.

The closest we come in America to this is meat fondue, but instead of cooking the meat in oil, they cook it on this little grill.   The grill has both a grill on top (ours also has a grill stone) and underneath you have these little pans which are great for broiling.

Our Raclette

In the days between Christmas and New Year's, all Dutch grocery stores and butcher shops offer their version of gourmet schotels (gourmet trays) which offer various types of meat in small portions.  The Dutch, loving conformity as they do, buy everything ready to cook and do very little themselves.  From one Dutch house to another, you see the same gourmet trays, served with the same pre sliced bagutte and pre-made garlic butter and with the same jarred sauces to dip their cooked meat in.  I've eaten gourmet at least 3 times at Dutch houses, and each meal was like a carbon copy of the one before.

So, while I embrace the tradition, I do try to put my own signature on it and make it just a bit different by creating my own meat dishes and marinades, or making vegetable dishes and I never serve garlic bread.    Most years I marinade fish, meats and chicken and create all kinds of dips, batters and marinades for them, I usually even beat up a couple of eggs for those who might fancy a  mini omlette, I slice up everything from mushrooms and peppers, zucchini, eggplant, fresh garlic, spring onions.  This year, because I have been home for the last 10 days, I've done a ton of cooking over the past week and I didn't feel like chopping up meat and fish and putting my food processor in overdrive to make pestos, mint marinades and batters, so we decided  to just break down and buy a tray.  I did throw in some mushrooms, roasted potatoes and roasted red peppers but more than any other year, I did the textbook tray and store bought sauces.  Woo-hoo, I'm Dutch, I put together a cookie-cutter dinner!

Mini-meat!

Cookie cutter or not, the fun of the whole evening is to just sit around, knock back some wine or beer and have fun cooking your own dinner.  That was not lost on us.  Maya cracked us up during the whole dinner, joking around with us and then periodically grabbing Leo's and my arms and saying how much she loves having a family dinner.

Then, suddenly, she got up and asked us to turn the television on and I was afraid she was going to run off, she dragged her little rocking chair in front of the tv, piled all her stuffed animals selectively on it so they could all see the tv, she ran back to the table and told me, well, I didn't want to make them feel bad because they were not invited to our family dinner.

Whether it is stuffed animals, other kids or her trains, my girl is a nurturer to her core.  I love that about her and am so grateful that her heart is open.  What more can you really ask for?

Look at those fine motor skills!

So, now that our bellies are stuffed to the gills and we never want to look at meat again, let me take this opportunity to wish all of you a wonderful new year, full of shiny, sparkly things, whether you basque in the traditions of auld lang syne or you create your own traditions or do something in between.

May you be healthy, and may you be able to recognize the beauty and wonder in your life.  May you shine as bright and beautifully as our Maya.

Not Without My Calvin's

If you are not old enough to remember a teen-aged Brooke Shields, in all her child-woman glory,  talking about how nothing gets between her and her Calvin Klein jeans, maybe you should stop reading this right now and go outside and play.  I'll be inside doing my roots and inspecting my crow's feet.

Seriously, as that popular tagline went, nothing got between Brooke and her Calvin's and apparently nothing gets between me and my Calvin's either.

Calvinists, that is.

The Dutch and their society draws on their strong traditions of Calvinism or the Reform movement which symbolized a return to the Bible as well as no hierarchical authorities, no experts.  As opposed to the Catholic Church,  Calvinism was a bottom-up approach rather than top-down.  As Calvinism took root in some European societies, the development of their cultural norms often mirrored Calvinism.  Dutch society, which is, at its base rooted in the idea of hard work, modesty and a distaste of luxury can be historically traced back to their Calvinist roots.

I have lived among the Dutch now for eleven years, one month and four days.  It took me a long while to gain whatever modicum of an understanding of Dutch society that I have and even a decade in, there are still things about it that make me laugh, and on a bad day aspects of Dutch life still irritate me although I notice through the years it becomes less and less.

So either I am better at taking it in stride or I've become more Dutch.  I am pretty sure that no Dutch person within a 100 mile radius of this blog would ever accuse me of being Dutch.

Especially since I measured it in miles rather than kilometers.  Fail.

When you live in a country that you were not born in, your mind invariably compares every aspect of life in your adopted country with your home country.  Often of course, because things are foreign, because your cultural touchstones lie somewhere else, invariably you spent some percentage of your life not only comparing how things are "here" with how things are at "home", but invariably the deck is always stacked toward home.  Largely because these comparisons tend to happen over negative experiences, wait too long in a line in the Netherlands makes my brain automatically go to, things are organized much better in America.  

It's just how it is.  A lot of people call this whining, to them I would say, pack up your crap and go move to a foreign country, then we'll talk.

I've emigrated to two countries, so I am doubly guilty of this.  But hey, everyone needs a hobby.

I do think though that after a decade of observing, breaking social compacts and generally offending bending the social rules, I have come to gain an understanding of the Netherlands and it's people.

When I first moved here one of the first things I noticed about the Dutch were that they were awfully polite, and very even tempered.  Voices weren't raised, people were kind, they were interested, they always asked where you came from and how you like it in Holland.  They are willing to make you feel comfortable and speak English.  They will ask how your Dutch is but not put you under pressure to speak it.  Even now, when most people know I speak reasonably okay Dutch and understand well and can express myself, if I am around, invariably a lot of people will speak English to me.  Maybe it's because my Dutch is too grammatically imperfect, but mostly its because for Dutchies, this is how they show their respect, by letting you speak in your mother tongue.

And while Dutch people themselves are pretty informal, I immediately noticed a kind of formality about the place and the people.  While people were perfectly polite and friendly there was also a palpable distance.  People held you at arm's length, even close friends.  Bonds did not form in the same way they did when I moved to Israel, where total strangers want to know everything about you in the first minute and a half and invite you into their little worlds and try to surround you with camaraderie warmth and lots and lots of food.

Israeli society on the outside is not nearly as polite as Dutch society, people are pushy, will take advantage of your lack of Israeli street smarts, but scratch the surface a little and most Israelis are warm, kind people who will open up their lives, homes and hearts to you literally.  When I lived in Israel and first started working there, I had no end to invitations to come around for lunch or dinner on the weekends, because people knew I was new to the country and and alone.  Actually, after a while it got a little embarrassing because I just could not say yes to everyone and there were many people whose doorsteps I never darkened.  I remember once after only having been in Israel a couple of months, my cousin took me along to a Saturday lunch at a friends' house.  Her friends were great and told me that I was welcome any time and they really stressed that I should just 'come on over' if I didn't have plans on the weekend.  I didn't even need to call, just show up.  I took this as a very sweet gesture, but never took them up on it, because popping in is not considered polite, but also because I thought they were just being nice.  About a year later I ran into this friend of my cousin's at a festival, she admonished me for never coming over.

You don't see this kind of behavior in Dutch society.  It is more socially conscientious but also cautious.  People's main social foundation are their family and a smattering of friends, most of whom are lifelong or near-lifelong (childhood friends, school friends, university friends).  Work friends do exist but as a foreigner it's a lot tougher to find your way in.

In both American and Israeli society, gregariousness is considered something of a positive trait, perhaps not in all circumstances, but both societies value going against the grain and breaking molds.  In Dutch society, conformity is something which is highly valued.  Most of the time being gregarious or not fitting into a certain mold is something which is looked upon with curiosity but also scorn.  The Dutch talk quietly, they generally remain composed at all times and feel emotions are private affairs, not to be shown in public.

There's not a lot of spontaneity in Dutch culture either.  They are big on planning.  Spur of the moment Saturday nights are just not done.  When you want to get together with a friend, everyone has to take out their agenda and a date is scheduled, most of the time, weeks or months in advance.  Maya's winter vacation from school is coming in a week and I wanted to organize a couple of play dates for her, I had to do that in November in order to get the dates.  There's just not a lot of, playing it by ear here.

Food is another thing which I found tough getting used to.  Not the food itself, but the idea that food doesn't play a primary role in socializing.  In both American and Israeli culture, food is often the medium of social interaction.  You invite people for meals, when people walk in the door you put stuff out.  At most Dutch people's houses that happens over coffee or tea, with maybe one cookie.  When Maya turned one we had the requisite 1 year old birthday party and I made food, all kinds of dips, vegetables, meatball sandwiches, typical party food.  Nobody touched a thing until I practically hit them over the head with a Pyrex dish full of artichoke dip.  At birthday parties you serve cake and maybe small little snacks and a very limited number.  A snack is a snack and not a meal.  The Dutch are very disciplined in their eating and they frown on excess or waste,  So even if you do get invited for dinner, you receive a plate with your food portioned on it and that's it.  By contrast, I was brought up in a house where a dinner party meant that everyone was going home with a care package of whatever they liked the most.  My mother served meals family style and there was always enough variety of foods so that if you hated roast beef, there was chicken.  I remember once a Dutch person said of my dinner parties, that I made so much food to show off.

Ouch.  

I am someone who enjoys cooking for people and over the years I've had many friends and colleagues over for numerous dinner parties.  I've hardly ever gotten a reciprocal invite back.  For many years, I took it as a sign of rudeness or I took it personally, perhaps the people I invited or tried to connect with socially didn't enjoy spending time with me, maybe they only accepted my invite as a courtesy or because they couldn't find any reasonable way to decline me in the first place.

It's funny the way social norms and cultures work, how your habits are based on the culture you live in and something that is meant to be a polite or generous thing is perceived negatively by someone in another culture.  Of course any person understands this, but very few actually live it.

As the years have moved on though, I've realized that it's not coldness or rudeness that drives this behavior but simply that these type of things are not part of Dutch culture.  It's just not common to invite colleagues or anyone other than family or very close friends for dinner.  They just don't do that.  It's not part of their culture to break bread with people.

Once I realized that, Dutch society became a lot more pleasant to deal with because I had a better understanding of how Dutch cultural norms are different from my own and then I no longer felt like I was being slighted at every turn.

Still, I think what being an immigrant to two very different countries has taught me is that in order for you to be happy in another country you have to let go a little of your own cultural expectations and try to see what's good in the society you have chosen to come to.  You don't have to let go of who you are, I certainly never will but you do have to accept that the society you live in may value different things than you value, they may abhor what you value and see it in a completely different light.  You have to peek out a little from your own cultural walls and understand that another culture's practices may be different, may not be what you are used to, but are just as important to the people that believe in them as your values are to you.

Once you can embrace that, than living in your adopted home becomes marginally easier.

So, while I continue to put out a spread when people come to visit, even though they will take a polite nibble and nothing more, even though I will never be a polite, sober, reserved Dutchie, even though I will continue to make Dutchies cringe and I will send out more invitations than I will ever receive.

It's okay.  I have lived here for more than 11 years, longer than any place I have ever lived in my life.

That means something.  Now if only I looked a little more like Brooke Shields.

Not Fair

Most of the time I try to use this blog as a way deal with the ups and downs of having a child on the autistic spectrum.  I try to look for the positive, I try to process our ups and downs in a positive way, without getting too crunchy-Granola, because really, I couldn't pull that off even if I wanted to, and trust, I don't want to.

I focus on my daughter, on her truth, her honesty, her joy and try as much as I can to be realistic, to be practical.

Sometimes though, a girl's gotta wallow a little.  This is one of those times.

We've not had a major event or upheaval, no big setback.  Things are humming along quite well actually.

Last weekend my office had their annual Sinterklaas party.  I am not going to get into the details of the holiday just to say that it is a beloved Dutch tradition and one that is fully embraced by our Maya.  At 9 she still believes, largely because it took her until about age 7 to gain any real understanding of the tradition at all.

My office always does a really nice party for the kids.  They really try to make each year special and depart from the traditional type of party.  Last year for the first time Maya was able to participate by talking with Sinterklaas and they made all types of accommodation for her.  For the Dutch, who raise conformity to an art form, this is a gigantic thing.   This year we had the same people and they remembered Maya and they were also so kind and sweet to her.

But there is always something about these types of events, whether it be this holiday or others, birthday parties or other events where Maya is surrounded by typical kids, that makes me sad, sad that everyday things like this that are supposed to be nothing but fun, but are challenging for her.  Sad that so very little in her life is easy.  Sad that she has to work so very hard all the time, sad that everyday things are a struggle.  Sad that she just doesn't float through life and that developmental milestones aren't on auto pilot, that they just happen whether you actively pursue them or not.

In our world of autism, pursuing a milestone in no way means you will achieve it.

We are still struggling with reading.  I don't pressure her because I have seen how my pushing her, even gently causes her to retreat.  Last night before bed, I asked her about her reading, about whether she knew how.  I know she knows a little, but she always answers no.  When I asked her, and by asking her, I gently prodded and pulled out one word answers out of her while she averted her eyes to the floor and finally it came to this.

Reading is hard mom.   

Although I don't talk that much about it, I am scared for her.  Scared that this might be all there is.  Scared that she may end up with choices like supporting herself by cleaning the tram or subway cars or the streets like I see other mentally challenged adults do.  Don't get me wrong, I am not looking down at all at doing that for a living.  It's an honest day's work and if that is where your abilities bring you, so be it.

Here's the thing, that no matter how many years I am on this autistic journey, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I accept, the thing that makes me go into mourning all over again is when in small moment like a Sinterklaas party, that this is not what I dreamed of when I had a child.

I didn't want this for her.  I wanted easy for her, I wanted achievements in whatever form they took, I wanted the whole world of possibilities open to her for the taking.  I wanted her only limitations to be her own desires.  Because if there is such a thing as karma, my little girl deserves to breeze through life, without a care in the world.

But this is not reality.  I know our reality is different.  In our reality I am not as sure where we will end up, I am not sure about anything, except that I love my daughter and I would do anything to help her, to help her through those challenging moments and to find those things in her life that will make her heart and soul soar.  Our reality is acceptance. And I do accept her, all of her, even what I don't know yet, even if she remains exactly where she is right now.

Even if she never learns to read.

Even if grows up illiterate.

Even if working or taking care of herself is not an option.

I will accept her no matter what.

Doesn't mean though I can't have a bad day over it once in a while.

So, that's today.  Tomorrow will be better.

Roadblocks and Root Causes

Yesterday I had the opportunity to see Maya during one of her swimming lessons.  This is always a special treat because when I go swimming with her she is usually too over excited to do much except run from one pool to the other and splash around.  So I love that her school let's us come once a year to see them at their lessons, to see the progress they are making.

And Maya is making progress, step by step she is getting there.  Her big feat a year ago was being able to go under water.

But now she is swimming, it is a doggie paddle mostly with the occasional dive under water, but who cares, arms and legs are going and she moves from one place to the other, without walking.

Maya, being a Dutchie, and the Netherlands being what the Dutch call a "waterland" means that swimming is of prime importance for kids.  The weather sucks but Holland's canal systems means that there are very few houses without creeks running in front or behind them to help prevent flooding, so swimming is an important skill to master.  And since the Dutch love their rules and they are Calvinists, it is important to get a 'swimming diploma' or several swimming diplomas.  The Dutch being the Dutch having the diploma is way more important than actually being able to swim.  Me, I only care if she knows how to swim and has fun doing it.  But that's my American all-for-profit craziness at work.  


Still, Maya, being Dutch is a little fixated on getting a swim diploma.

Her swimming has improved a lot over the past year, going from this to this.  And I spoke with her teacher and she told me that they really think that she might be able next year to get her first diploma, they really said her skills are pretty good but lack of ability to focus means that the progress is very slow as it takes such a long time for them to teach her anything new, because she is chaotic, she runs off and does her own thing most of the time at swimming lessons (you can see that clearly in the video from this year, Maya is off swimming by herself while the teacher is at the other end of the pool teaching the kids something.  .

We always come back to focus.  Focus is a roadblock

If I apply Lean Six Sigma methodology to Maya and pretend she is a process, I would say that focus is our significant root cause.  Meaning that if we could find a way to address that we could experience significant improvement in all areas.

Alas, Maya is not a process, but a little girl with autism.  So while the principle works the same, solutions are not easily found.  She makes progress but her inability to focus adequately keeps her progress at baby steps.

I feel like if we could put our finger on focus, she could run, sprint, jump hurdles.

I can honestly say I don't have the answer.  Leo and I use patience and encouragement, we don't pressure her and I am 100% SURE that is right for Maya.  Pressure will take the progress away and each little baby step encourages her to do a little more, to try what she is afraid of, to not listen to her natural fears and anxiety which tell her to hide under the table.

And I also think that loading her up to the gills with therapy is not the right answer for her either.  Maya really needs her downtime, she does everything in her own time and her own way and turning her home into an extension of school, I truly believe will also impede her progress because Maya needs not only techniques, but encouragement and time and if we fill up every moment with therapy, that every waking moment of her life is a learning opportunity, I feel we risk her self confidence which I think is one of the main ingredients in this recipe.

I read about other parents that send kids to every kind of therapy under the sun and some kids thrive with all this extra support but some don't, they may make progress but some don't.  It's not a guarantee and there's no one thing that works for everyone.

That's the head banging truth about autism.  When you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism.  There isn't 1 answer.  What works amazingly well for one does nothing for another.

So, we as parents are largely left to our own devices and to the available support we can afford for our kids.

Autism therapies aren't as well developed here as in the US or other countries.  ABA is non existent, they don't even train therapists in it yet here and OT is quite rare as well and it is still mainly used for senior citizens to keep them active.

I do think the reality of special needs life in the Netherlands is while there is a lot of support available and what is available is covered by health insurance,  I do think the mentality here is to encourage but not really to push the boundaries. The Dutch are not a very push-the-boundaries-kind-of-people.  There isn't every kind of therapy imaginable (and also not a lot of drink-the-Kool-aid type therapy either).  



In the Netherlands they don't have the distinction of high functioning, low functioning.  You have a diagnosis and an IQ score and that pretty much determines your route.  I think it is, in a way a good thing that they don't use those labels because I think you can easily get fixated on a label, and a lot of high functioning kids have loads of issues too and they have a hard time getting support for those issues.  In many ways, in the US at least, you get much more support if you are low functioning and if you are high functioning your kid is probably going to mainstream school and maybe struggling, because they need support and services that just aren't available.  


I would say Maya doesn't fall into high or low functioning.  She is medium functioning.  She can do a lot of things but she cannot always demonstrate it in ways which are measurable by Dutch standards.  She is chaotic and cannot focus but she does have the ability to learn.  


At this stage in Maya's development, I do think she could benefit from ABA but it's not available here.  I know there are parents who learn how to do it themselves but I find without the support of a qualified therapist in the beginning it will be tough to do, it will just be me running around after Maya trying to channel and refocus her and while I have a lot of patience for my daughter, I am not that good with remaining neutral and in the moment with her.  Plus, I have to work and have no option not to work and take on a job as Maya's full time teacher and therapist.  My time with her is limited and I don't want to turn home into an extension of school because that is not good for her.  


I spoke with Maya's teacher about this yesterday, about how I feel that her ability to focus is standing in the way of her progress.  Maya continues to have a tough time listening and focusing in school these last weeks and we discussed that Maya is going through a lot of change at home and while she is not necessarily being difficult at home in the classic sense, that Leo and I recognize that she is 'off' these days.  And that we are planning to have a more structured summer holiday and spend a lot of time with her, things are where they are right now.  


Maya's teacher suggested that maybe it would be a good idea to talk to the school's psychiatric social worker about it.  She felt that we could use some more support for Maya at home and outside school hours.   So, I will speak with her next week and we will see what comes of that.  


So, maybe Maya's difficult time will lead to something great for her.  


For now, I'll take the swimming.  

Camp and Calvinism

Well, Maya came home yesterday after an exciting 4 days away at school camp.

Maya had a great time but was also really happy to come home.  She flew into my arms, and into Leo's when he got home and spent pretty much the entire afternoon snuggling, sing-songing and hugging us, telling us how happy she was "to see us back" (translating literally from Dutch).  For once I didn't correct her and just put my arms around her.  Last night she fell asleep alarmingly early for her (8.15), her feet still on the floor as I think she literally fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow.  


This morning more of the same, lots of snuggling, lots of declarations about how she missed us and how happy she was to be with us.  

She didn't say much about camp, only about her day at De Efteling, the Dutch version of a theme park, the theme being fairy tales, but more in the true Brothers Grimm versions than Disney's sanitized happy ones.

Ah, Europe.  No candy coating.

No wonder they were tired, huddled masses.

She also talked about going swimming and that she slid on the blue slide a lot of times by herself.  Of course I am supposed to just know what the blue slide is.  She mentioned a few times that her friend "M" didn't want to leave school camp and cried and they had to carry him on the bus.  Been there, that's not a fun one.  Always grateful when that doesn't happen to Maya.  

Maya has a tough time telling us about things that happen.  She always reports that school is "fun" and once in a while in her own time she can tell other things but largely what happens when she is away from us is a mystery.  And not in the way that kids don't talk about stuff, because I know all kids are scant on details.  


This is where Maya's communication issues are really visible, she just doesn't know how to tell us, she cannot come up with the descriptions when he is asked, often when she wants to tell me something it takes her a long time to get it out.  She doesn't stammer or stutter but the trip from her brain to her mouth takes a long time.  


Personally I think it is because she thinks in pictures.  The pictures are clear in her head but putting them into words is often too challenging for her, particularly when there is time pressure, when somoene is waiting to hear what she has to say.  


If only her brain could be hooked into some kind of printer, then I think what we would get are amazing stories and movies in full technicolor.


We've had to learn how to be interested but not pressure her too much with lots of questions.  So we accept "fun" and the little bit she says and leave it at that.

Last year at school camp we really didn't hear anything about it, about what the kids did, about what Maya found fun.  Of course they told us that they had a good week but no real details.  They only let us talk to the kids once when they are gone and I get it, otherwise 50 parents would be calling all day long but at the same time I didn't really appreciate that camp is a black hole where we never get to hear what has gone on there, what our kids have done, etc.

I mentioned this a few weeks ago during Maya's end of year progress report that it would be great to find some way to give us some information about school camp.  I suggested having some kind of pre-addressed postcards that we parents could address that they would mail to us on the last day of camp and they thought that was a nice idea, I even offered to pay for the cards and the stamps for all the kids and come to the school and address them.

Of course, because the Dutch are such fiends about privacy, that was a total no go.  Yeah, because I had an autistic child with learning difficulties just so that at some point in her life, I would put Maya in this school, because they take the kids to school camp, just to hatch my evil postcard plan, just to have access to the kids' addresses so that I could write them down and then break in and steal someone's stereo.

OK, they have their procedures.

But they did do something with my suggestion.  Each parent received a little booklet about school camp which detailed what the kids did every day.  Each day they talked about the weather, what the kids did, what they ate and what their favorite thing was about the day.

It was great to read about Maya's activities, although I did have to laugh a little bit because although the Dutch word for camp is the same as in English, as with everything Dutch, it has an entirely different meaning.

The Dutch really show their Calvinist roots in their culture and etiquette.  They prize discipline and conservatism (in the personal sense, not politically), they pride themselves on being thrifty in all things, any type of showmanship, whether it is over wealth, material possessions, accomplishments, general gregariousness or a cherry atop a sundae is considered extremely bad form.

The Dutch are very no-nonsense, don't-make-a-fuss-people in everything and making something a big deal, by having overly festive food or drink or shows of anything are considered very bad form.

Enter Dana.

So, while I expect "camp" to be a lot of hikes, trails, outdoor activities, weenie roasts, toasting marshmallows, singing by the campfire and excitement.

This is what they did:

Tuesday:

-unpacked suitcases and organised house
-spent the afternoon at the large playground, played on the trampolines and took a walk around the camp
-had spaghetti for dinner and sliced cucumbers with the kids in the house.  Maya helped set and clear the table.
-After dinner walked to the camp store and the kids could each choose an ice cream
-showers, pajamas and teeth brushing, read the children a story about Nijntje (Miffy) and quiet play until bed time.

Wednesday
-Maya helped put everything on the table for breakfast
-Together with the kids made a picnic lunch of sandwiches, and fruit
-Spent the day at the swimming pool.  Maya wanted to go down the big slide and the first time she stalled on the steps and finally went down it with her teacher.  After that she did it about 50 times by herself.
-In the afternoon they watched a movie and before dinner took a walk and played by the playground.
-In the evening all 35 kids came together and they had a barbecue with the entire group.
-showers, pajamas and teeth brushing, with a note that Maya washed her own hair and to bed.

Thursday
-After breakfast they spent the day at went to De Efteling which of course was the highlight of the week.
-For lunch the kids ate croquettes and french fries (the Dutch snack foods) and in the evening they ate soup, sandwiches and a hard boiled egg.
-In the evening, the kids were tired so they did a movie night and the thunderstorm kept the kids up late.  Maya's teacher mentioned that Maya helped her friend "M", one of the little boys in the house who was scared and crying during the storm.  She went into his bed, held him and said in English, "it's going to be okay, it's only a storm."

Friday
-Ate breakfast, packed their suitcases, played at the playground and then came home

All in all they told us that Maya did great.  She dressed herself every day, helped set the table and clear it at mealtimes and helped the other kids who are not as self sufficient as she is.

While camp may not be quite the adventure it was for me as a kid, as Maya's roster of activities reads, to the untrained eye, very much like any other day anywhere else, I have to bear in mind that for these kids, just being away from the security of home, the familiarity, the break in the routine is a way bigger adventure than spending 4 weeks at sleepaway camp as my brothers and I did during our childhood.

This is huge for them.  And the fact that they could get along without any major episodes is GIGANTIC.  

So, even though it doesn't have the same level of excitement as the American summer camp experience of my youth, Maya's Calvinist, no nonsense, run-of-the-mill experience is no less exciting for her as mine was for me.

It's great having her home.

Lady Liberty - Euro Version

The huddled masses?

They are alive and well and waiting for their beverages at Starbucks.

Starbucks is a relatively new phenom here in Dutchie land.  Until about three years ago,  there wasn't a Starbucks to be had over here in the land of windmills.  Starbucks has long had their European Distribution Center here in NL, but were reluctant to put retail stores here.  For many years the whole coffee to go culture was taboo here.  Dutchies like to go out for coffee, not carry it down the street with them.  After it started to catch on here, for a while no one thought Starbucks could compete with the Dutch chains as the Dutch are very loyal to their own brands and resent American Imperialism ala Franchising.  

About 3 years ago Starbucks made it's first foray into the Dutch market to test the waters by opening a couple of outlets at Schiphol Airport.  Schiphol, for many, the gateway airport between east and west (and a way better facility than Heathrow or that sh-thole Charles de Gaulle), was a perfect spot for Starbucks to get a leg into the Dutch market.  Lots of international travelers meant brand recognition and an instant consumer base.  Later on Starbucks made a deal with the Dutch Railway systems an started opening more stores in train stations.  Last year, they started their descent on Amsterdam proper and in the last year they have opened 4 new stores in Amsterdam and are giving their fiercest Dutch competitor, Coffee Company a run for their money. 

I love Starbucks.  Not because it is the best coffee ever, but because of that brand recognition.  It is a little piece of home.   That white cup with a sleeve makes me feel good.  

I had thought though that when Starbucks finally made it's way in, that I would frequent it a lot and pick up a daily Starbucks habit, but I really haven't.  When I am in the US it is mostly a twice a day habit.  But somehow I just can't seem to make it a daily habit.  

For one Starbucks is pretty expensive here, even more so than in the US, plus you earn less money here so you feel that 4-5 Euros a cup much more.  

Starbucks is just a little out of my way.  The Starbucks most in my direct path is the one at the central train station in Amsterdam.  Although I go through the station twice a day on working days for my commute, I don't actually go inside the station but exit the subway and walk underground and exit the station.  I don't have to go inside, it is a little bit of a detour to go into the station for Starbucks.  I have to walk 5 minutes out of my way and five minutes back and most of the time I am late for work as it is.  

Second, my office has great coffee already.  When I first started working at my office 10 years ago, they had the absolute worst coffee.  I mean absolute swill.  Even American Maxwell House had this crap beat.  Me, who loves and needs coffee to function didn't ever drink coffee at work.  I lamented the lack of Starbucks every single day back then.  I used to go so far as to bring a little thermos (hello 1950's), or sneak down to the client meeting rooms where there was decent coffee and would sneak myself a cup.  

Finally after a while our company figured out that one of the most important keys to people dedicating themselves to their careers meant that the office had to serve great coffee.  So we got fabulous coffee.  Espresso, cappucino's lattes, all at the touch of a button.  Each cup freshly ground per order none of that powdered milk crap, it is fresh foamed milk which is stored in this little refrigerated gray box that is automatically pumped in and automatically steamed and foamed and then plunked onto your espresso.  

So, as much as I love the Starbucks brand and the feel of that white and green cup in my hands, I get just as good coffee for free.  

And third and probably the biggest factor is that Starbucks here is inefficient.  Don't get me wrong The service is very good, new stores are trained by American employees and they really have adopted American standards of service.  It is not the Disneyland Paris version of the Disney experience but the same Starbucks standards.  

What I mean by inefficiency is that Dutch consumers are the most unsophisticated consumers ever.  I love the Dutch but in a Starbucks, they drive me absolutely positively bonkers.  

Why?

Because they are not educated Starbucks consumers and they cannot get the hang of Starbucks.  

It's like putting a giraffe in a tuxedo.  Awkward, ill fitting and out of place.  

You walk into Starbucks here and it is usually pretty crowded.  So much so that in most stores, most of the time, someone is taking orders even before you get to the register because the lines are long.  

This brings you to the first hurdle.  Dutchies have no idea what they want to drink.  They stare straight ahead and they wait until someone asks for their order to start looking at the menu.  They stand, they looked puzzled, they start reading the menu and asking what a Frappucino is -  oh, please not Frappucino that you have to build from scratch.  Then they don't understand the choices they have to make - picking your coffee, your flavor and your topping or whatever the crap you have to pick for Frappucino, which I don't drink.  I go to Starbucks for coffee, if I wanted a milkshake I'd hop over to 31 Flavors.  

To be fair though, I can get that if you are not all that familiar with Starbucks or have never been to one, you might not know what they have, but you've heard all about Starbucks and it might take  you a minute or two to figure out what you want.  

So I should just lighten the f up about it.  Right?

But then, but then, they just can't order their drink.  They get all stressed out about the sizes and can't understand that a grande means small.  I've been in Starbucks at least 10 times where some Dutchie in front of me starts telling the Barista that they don't understand how grande can mean small.  Um because Starbucks was invented in the US, where bigger is better, so a small is still a big coffee.  

I shudder to think of all the Dutch people who would have a stroke if they saw a Big Gulp.

You can just see that the sizes stress them out.  They are too big, which is the next thing that falls out of their mouth.  Who needs that big a cup of coffee?  Lady, just order your sh-t and move down the line.  Still after the Barista politely explains all the sizes and shows them the big fat visual display of them which is usually at this point in the line, about 2 inches from their noses (a couple millimeters for those of you who think I don't know the metric system) can't get the hang of the sizes or the size names, they order their cappucino but when asked what size they want, they say, "gewoon" (which is Dutch for normal).  

What the hell size is that?  3 cups with the names clearly printed in clear lettering all there for you to see.  See the size you want and repeat the name on the placard.

I thought Europeans were good at just following orders.  Hmmmm.

If I worked at Starbucks I would automatically charge someone for a Venti every time someone ordered a normal coffee.    

Another of my favorite annoying scenarios is when the world of espresso and cappucino is just too complicated and they go for the simpler option of just regular coffee.  "Just coffee". Um, It's all coffee.  Then they get all flabbergasted when they have to again make a choice because Starbucks always brews at least two flavors of drip coffee and then they need a complete explanation of what each flavor is.  Then, for the really super dumb ones, the whole size thing starts again.

Then, they look completely perplexed when the Barista asks if they want room for milk.  

Even in the UK, the Starbucks customers are way more sophisticated than here.  They can somehow master the whole ordering process and compute the sizes.  

Grande Hazelnut extra hot cappucino

Venti skinny latte

None of this, um-er-coffee-ah-do-you-have-latte?

And don't even get me started with the food choices.  

Seriously, the Dutch make a career out of complaining about how inconvenient everything in this society is.  They lament chapter and verse about how non-customer focused the service industry is here.  

But give 'em efficiency and convenience and what do you get?  An entire nation drops it's jaws and starts stuttering and muttering.

It comes down to this, Dutch consumers have a hard time handling a situation that is geared for maximum convenience, because nothing here is inherently convenient.  So even when presented with convenience, they freeze.

It's the same reason that at Euro Disney how Europeans cannot seem to fill up all the space in the line and not line up single file.  Their societies are not geared for convenience and for pushing through the maximum number of people in the shortest amount of time.  It's why European restaurants are built on the one-seating-per-night philosophy and not on turning tables.  That's why European restaurants cost an arm and a leg.  They are only going to fill up once usually so they have to make all their money out of one seating.

The ordering of your coffee, that's not even the worst of the Dutch Starbucks experience.  You know what's the worst?  The waiting for your beverage.  

The Dutch just don't get the concept of moving all the way down to the end of the line to wait for their bevs. They keep huddled around the cash registers spilling into the ordering line totally unaware of what is going on.  The poor Barista's charged with lidding and calling the drinks out to be picked up has the crappiest job.  She shouts out the drink and everyone just stands there with their mouths hanging open.  

Grande mocha latte?  Nothing.  

Again. 

Nothing.  

"Ma'am are you waiting for a grande mocha latte?"

"Er-um, No, I don't think so.  I got a medium latte with mocha syrup.

Thud!

Dana. Drops. Dead.  

Seriously if Starbucks didn't start that annoying practice of now taking your name and writing it on your cup, those Dutchies would stand there for two weeks waiting for their coffee.  They probably started the practice in order to stop throwing perfectly good hazelnut mocha lattes away because the Dutch cannot handle knowing what they ordered and listening for their order.  

I just don't get what is so difficult about it?  When they go sit at a cafe they know exactly what they want.  They don't stammer and stutter their order.  They don't even need to think about it.  

OK, sure Starbucks has a lot of options, way more than a Dutch cafe (hot or cold, the dessert posing as coffee thing) but still but given that probably 30% of customers are fickle and not creatures of habit when it comes to ordering coffee, most are.  Certainly by your second or third visit you can get the hang of it.    

Seriously, Americans get it.  Can it be that tough?

If  you can build an intricate system of dykes to keep this little country, significant portions of which are below sea level from being constantly flooded, surely you can master ordering at Starbucks, right?   

Wrong.  

Sorry Starbucks.  I can't be a regular.